Adjusting…Slowly.

Wow, where has the time gone? So many times I’ve wanted to get online and share what’s been going on around here but finding the time to write has been challenging. When I get the urge to write (which is often) I have mostly been able to put it out of my mind otherwise my focus is split and Iturn into a big old grouch. Evan is now 23 weeks and Liv is a very spirited two and a half year old. If I actually get to hit publish on this today..wow.

We have moved twice since June. Once to a new city, and once again to the house we were waiting for. Moving is never fun and we have moved more times than I care to remember. The silver lining is the purge of “stuff” each time we discover even more things we can live without and a new resolve to stop buying on impulse.

I continue to be amazed at all the benefits I’ve received since using the HypnoBirthing method. I think more women would take the time to learn about the wisdom it offers if only they knew how much it could transform their experience.

In the days after Evans water birth, I did not have any sore muscles. In  fact, my body to this date has never felt so strong. The normal perineum swelling went away within hours and I did not have any of the “just given birth” feelings.

More than the physical benefits, I think being at peace with our experience and not carrying any baggage into my relationship with Evan has been profoundly eye opening. I have learned so much. The birth experience matters because birth energy sticks around, for better or worse. Had I known what I know now, I would have made much different birth choices for Liv’s birth. C’est la vie! Both experiences are what they are though and now I have a new perspective of which I consider a gift. I’ve certainly learned that the onus is on us to make choices (whatever the may be) or the choices will be made for us.

I was prepared for some postpartum anxiety and depression but I have been feeling pretty good so far. Exhausted, but good. Mostly, I think I have managed my expectations much better this time around. If I’m not able to do or get to something, I try to let it go. In hindsight, I had too much to prove the first time around. I placed tremendous pressure on myself and thus the anxiety and rattled nerves. So far, I’ve managed to set aside the “I can do it all” mindset.

The other big realization is that I have been carrying some anger from Liv’s birth. The anger stems from not having the courage to tell my doctor to get her friggin’ hands off me when Liv was crowning. There is absolutely no reason a doctor needs to push back your skin around the emerging head (thus causing excessive tearing). Intuitively, I knew what was happening was unnecessary. The pain shocked and humbled me and while everything inside screamed STOP…I was mute. It amazes me how much they think they know, yet how much they tend to mess it up (cause they just can’t let someone else be in control for a change). I wish more space and respect was given to a mothers innate birthing wisdom.

We have been drinking up every moment of the infant stage. It just goes by too fast. Evan is such a happy little guy. He is fairly easy to soothe so our transition into a family of four has been much easier – although the new level of chaos and busyness has taken some time to get used to. The baby carrier has been my life saver!!

Evan was sleeping in our bed until just recently. Now I am transitioning him into his own bed. I was too nervous and such a light sleeper to bed share with Liv. Instead we co-slept with a cradle beside us. Bed sharing with Evan has been delightful and I’m so glad to have had this experience. I’d love to say I’m getting sleep, but I’m up every two-three hours right now. Sigh…this too shall pass.

One thing that took me by surprise was how much I wanted to hold Liv as a baby again. I was melancholic for the first two months watching my little girl become a big sister, outgrowing my concepts of her and realizing I had to let go. A toddler and now big sister seeking independence while I mourn the end of Liv as my baby. I still carry some regret about having post-partum with her. The more I relish Evan’s infancy, the more I long to in some way make up for all the times I was consumed with anxiety and not as emotionally present for her as I could have been. Post partum feels like it stole time from me, and I can’t get it back.

Liv has adjusted so well to having a baby brother. She is quite mothering so I try to include her in as much as I can. At times, she has seemed a bit more emotional towards us and so I am always working to find a new balance where she does not get the short end of the stick. She helps with the diapers and laundry and consoles him with “I know, I know  Evan” when he is fussing…pretty cute really.

Liv and I always used to talk about our day during our snuggle at bedtime. Juggling this special time around Evan has been challenging and after a night of repeated interruptions during her story and snuggle I finally realized it was crazy to try and get Evan down while we put Liv to bed. Why not bring him into her room for a big family snuggle? I assumed that she wanted time alone with me but this night was one of the most special nights yet.

I am nursing Evan successfully and he is packing on the weight. To date he is over 16 pounds. He is a no-soother boy. Spits it out like it’s last weeks leftovers! Even though Liv has been weaned since 14 months, she has decided that one breast is hers and one is Evans. I knew this may happen so when she first said she needed some milk I said OK. She leaned in close to me and pretended to drink. A moment later she said she was all done. “It’s pretty good” she states. She’s outgrown this now and these days she gets an ounce in a glass when I pump and freeze for future use.

Well, that’s our update for now. This is all time allows and…I’m going to hit PUBLISH, I swear!!

I hope you are happy and healthy.

I had to share this funny photo. Is this a sign of things to come?

Tagged as: Home birth, Hypnobirthing