When we adults think of children there is a simple truth which we ignore:

Childhood is not preparation for life. Childhood IS life.

A child isn’t getting ready to live, a child is living. The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, “What are you going to be?” Courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult square in the face, would say, “I’m not going to be anything; I already am.”

We adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born.

Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life.

No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied her by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.

How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize the child as a partner with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing her as an apprentice.

How much we would teach each other…adults with the experience and children with the freshness.

How full both our lives could be.

A little child may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with him, after all, life is his and her journey, too.

Professor T. Ripaldi

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Notes on an Unhurried Journey

If I were to tell you that there is a way to release past pain without seeing a therapist or spending hundreds of dollars on self help books. Would you consider updating your beliefs about how healing is “supposed” to happen?

What if you could release your personal history so that your past pain no longer consumes your energy, allowing you to finally step into the vision you have for yourself.

Many of us carry our life’s experiences on our backs. At times, we may be inspired to put our burdens down but invariably, I find that most women choose to pick up their burdens again. Perhaps it’s because they do not know they have a choice.  Or perhaps it’s just because they don’t know how to let go – to really LET GO

While we have become the amazing women that we are because of these experiences, many of us know that there is a Woman inside of us that is much lighter and brighter, if only we could find a way to process our most painful experiences so they no longer limit us.

I have a little rule that when I hear about something three times, it’s the universe’s way of nudging me to take a closer look. I have come to accept that there is Divine significance in nearly everything, if we are willing to pay attention.

When I first heard about Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT, a friend had suggested I use it to help me through a period where I was experiencing a lot of sadness. She explained that I could tap my body  in specific areas and this would help me feel better. I was skeptical that tapping my body would alleviate any of my emotions and so I thanked her but did not pursue it further.

The second time was nearly a year later when I read about it on Evelyn Lim’s insightful blog Abundance Tapestry. Because I enjoy Evelyn’s perspective she had my attention, but I was still skeptical. a Tapping therapy to release emotional or physical pain? Seemed far fetched, even for a mystical gal like myself.

Finally, I decided to give Emotional Freedom Technique a closer look after I received a brand consultation from Lana for my personal transformation blog Kiss the Bliss. She suggested tapping with EFT may help me overcome some lingering & limiting beliefsthat were preventing me from stepping into my power.

The Emotional Freedom Technique

EFT, developed by Gary Craig, is also known as emotional acupressure. It works along specific energy meridians to relieve and alleviate blocked or undigested energy through a repeated process of tapping lightly.

In all of life’s experiences, but usually the most painful ones, we were not given the opportunity to express or experience what has happened. Perhaps it is because your family is uncomfortable with certain emotions, perhaps it’s because you were too young to make realistic conclusions about what happened or there was no one available to you that could accept your feelings and guide you through the experience.

Releasing Undigested Experiences with a Tapping Therapy

When we cannot process the full realm of the experience, aspects of the experience remain “undigested” – that is, the energy of the emotion get’s buried deep into the tissue of your body. In Yoga, mindful Yogini’s will affirm that through the flow of postures, as the body moves and squeezes up against sensitive spots on the body such as the hips, lower back and chest (heart center) energy is released. If we are paying attention we will notice that the energy carries a certain frequency or feeling tone. It could be grief or sadness or anger, generally the ones that are not culturally acceptable. If we continue to pay attention and not get dragged into the drama the mind creates as we nudge up to this energy, we can safely allow these intense feelings to pass through the body.

EFT tapping therapy works in a similar way. By tapping therapeutically on energy meridians in the body while recalling an event and repeating a phrase that relates to your actual experience, the undigested emotion or energy surrounding the event is released and is guided out of the body is a relatively quick and pain-free way.

Once an event has been tapped and cleared, details that would otherwise would cause an emotional reaction either fade from memory (within minutes!) or no longer cause the same intense emotional reaction as before.

What Happens When The Energy From the Old Trauma Is Cleared?

When the energy around traumatic events are cleared with EFT, an empty space appears within the body, mind and soul that is no longer  occupied with the energy tone of a painful event. The body is able to relax, as well, the mind and soul, and a doorway is opened where peace and joy are able to penetrate into areas of awareness that were previously preoccupied with the pain (or the avoidance of pain.)

I have never had very much childhood memory, reaching all the way into my preteen years. As I work with EFT tapping, I am beginning to have little insights and childhood memories. One such memory was when I was three years old, trying to process why my Mother would leave me. A toddler sized memory, complete with a specific feeling and a very immature rationale, flooded into my awareness.  I remembered deciding that she had left me to be another little girls mommy because I was “bad”. I was then able to recall and tap the actual thoughts and feelings I had as a toddler (without the same emotioanal attachment)that were previously buried from my memory, allowing myself to express what I was never able to a little girl. The process took about 15 minutes. After, the specific memory I recalled faded from memory and I felt light and positive again.

EFT is also highly effective with children and Tappy is used around the world with injured and terminally ill children. My own daughter still taps on her own (4 years old) when she wishes to master her emotions!

Radical Acceptance IS Authenticity

Emotional Freedom Technique is also a safe way to begin living authentically. With EFT you state your actual experience, not the one you wished you had. By stating your actual experience, no matter what it is, you are allowing yourself to BE rather than meeting an ideal you have set for yourself. For those of us who have a strong inner critic, this may be the first time we have been able to accept our experience without judgment. How powerful!

Allowing yourself to BE is also powerful activator of your inner knowing. When we free ourselves from the habitual process of denying our experience, a little space is created where we can relax. It is within this relaxation that we begin to hear Divine’s voice speaking and guiding us.

In stating our actual experience through EFT tapping it is important to affirm that even though we feel whatever we feel (ie: perhaps even the desire NOT to forgive or feel good right now about anything )we choose to accept and love ourselves anyway.

It is said that one act of self love in a day can offset the energy created from an entire day of negative thoughts. That is how powerful Love is, so when we begin to really grasp how powerful it is to forgive and love ourselves anyway, this authentic acceptance of oneself can then ripple into our families, communities and the world. Change truly does begin within!

Emotional Freedom Technique, Quantum Healing & the New World

When we work with energy meridians by tapping with EFT, not only are we healing our own perspective but we have a powerful opportunity to forgive those involved in our trauma, but without any personal contact. Remember, forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about YOU however when you work with energy in any way, the other person also receives healing. This is possible through the process of entanglement, the discovery that two atoms although separated, continue to respond to each other and act in such a way as though they are still connected. Pretty cool!

This is a powerful way to look at our relationship to all things. Through healing ourselves we alter our own energy field, which helps others heal, which in turn effects the entire energy pool of humanity’s consciousness.

So, perhaps it is time to reevaluate our beliefs about what is possible for personal healing?

Is it really effective to spend years and hundreds of dollars on a chaise lounge rehashing our hurts?

Ancient medicine and modern science are showing us that healing can happen in an instant or at least, in a very short period of time. All that is required are a few practical techniques such as Emotional Freedom Technique and an open mind about what is possible.

But I have a sense that, somewhere inside your deep reservoir of inner knowing, you already knew this was possible. (wink)

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EFT: The Tapping Therapy for Resolving Lingering Trauma

We are undergoing a great shift. Many of our concepts about how the world operates (the great illusion) are currently being blasted wide open to incorporate a whole new set of possibilities for the future. One area that is undergoing a major transformation is in the field of medicine and healing. After thousands of years of relying on “others” to heal us, we are now discovering from the quantum field that we have much more influence over our inner and outer world than ever believed previously.

While I am aware of this incredible co-creative power in a way I have never before experienced, observing a deep level of healing taking place, I catch myself passing on the “old health paradigm” to my children.

The old paradigm has basically conditioned us to seek healing outside ourselves – relying on others rather than going within. It does not support a deep trust in the body’s intelligence nor a co-creative dance with All That Is. The old health paradigm also operates out of shame and blame: that physical illness is the result of doing something “wrong”.

As a parent, I find that I am becoming increasingly protective against the constant barrage of messages that lead children away from their center by telling them that they are incomplete (in so many ways) that “others” can fulfill.

When we continually seek to find our worth outside of ourselves we give our power away. We deny the light and wisdom that is present within each of us. This new health paradigm is challenging us to take responsibility for our own healing (which lies at the root of who we are) so that we can guide our children in a way that maintains and grows their inner guidance system as well.

All children are born with an inner compass. Over time, adults unconsciously model to children that their inner compass cannot be trusted. We do this by overriding them when they say they are not hungry. We do this when we rush to the doctor at every little sign of illness. We do this when we do not allow them to fully express the varied intensity of their experience. We do this because we were not raised with the understanding that our connection to Self is to be preserved above all.

We can bring this new health paradigm to life in our homes by showing our children that they are the key to their own well being. They are right to trust themselves and we support them by listening to what that trust ultimately involves.

These are some of the ways I am adjusting to and helping foster a new health paradigm:

• We remind our children that they have a place inside them that knows what is best for them. We help them find this by staying with them while they experience intense emotions. Invariably, the child will finally declare what they need if we are patient and loving.
• I am committed to mastering my emotions so that I can be “The Mother” in these situations.
• We relate to feelings as a passing experience. “Why don’t we sit a bit, while this feeling passes” that life is the experience of many different feelings and experiences and that over time they can learn to master them.
• We show them how to breathe when intense emotions surface.
• We ask them what they FEEL instead of telling them what we THINK.
• We refrain from telling them extensive details about the world, until they are older. This allows them the inner space to feel and experience the world instead of relating to it in abstract concepts. LESS is MORE!
• We ask them what their heart and GUT says about a particular event.
• We validate all interactions and stories involving special “friends” that cannot be seen with our eyes.
• We use EFT to help facilitate the flow and release of undigested emotions in the body.
• We use reconnective healing to resore balance and gain insight on
• We speak of the world an a place where we co-create our reality
• We always declare that their body is doing the healing, rather than a medicine doing the healing
• We rely less and less on “health products”
• I validate them when they read my mind
• I accept their perspective about life as it is – I try to see the world as they see it.
• I ask them who they came here to be? Not what they want to be when they grow up.

I am also releasing myself from the enormous responsibility of expecting that I know what is best for my children. There is a much larger dance at work and my role is to trust unconditionally that this process is constantly unfolding in our lives. Even in the presence of illness or disease I feel there is purpose and divinity in the face of what life brings to us.

I do not believe in a vengeful God.

In the new health paradigm, we can begin to see that all experience is appropriate for where we are and offer insight on how we can grow. The experiences of illness, dis-ease and denial of our inner knowing are a critical part of our life experience. They can be seen as gifts that provide insight into our souls lessons. We can guide our children with the understanding that there is no perfect way, no wright or wrong way for them to experience their life. We must simply honor and guide them to follow their inner compass.

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Raising Healthy & Mindful Kids in the New Paradigm

I’ve been sitting on this post for a couple of weeks. What should I share? Who am I to give advice on raising kids when mine are so small? Then my good friend Sommer wrote about listening to kids, even when you do not like what you hear. Her story was uncanny timing while I also wrote about what I recently heard and what it triggered inside of me. My time is limited these days but I decided to finish it up and publish anyway.

My nearly three year old daughter recently told me sadly “you are a mommy for Evan and daddy is a daddy for me.”

Olivia found a beautiful way to communicate the loss she felt in that moment about sharing me with her baby brother. While I could have celebrated this moment of sharing all I felt was fear and sadness. Her words pricked a very deep part of me.

As Olivia nears the same age that my own birth mother left, I have recently felt deep emotions welling up to the surface. Watching Olivia I find myself considering how a three year old would process the experience of a parent leaving. What sorts of conclusions would she make about herself and how would she heal with so few ways to understand and express her feelings. I always knew that becoming a parent would be my greatest challenge, especially to a daughter, and Liv nearing three has rekindled many feelings I have never fully let go of. Her statement sparked fear that I might also cause this pain in my daughter.

My baggage. I have spent a lifetime carrying or covering for wounds. Instead of facing and feeling what I have never allowed myself to fully do, I have created a huge pool of impossible expectations for myself. Many of  my thoughts and reactions are designed to constantly verify or negate the most primal question: Am I good enough?

This is where positive parenting and our personal baggage intersect. Life has an uncanny way of constantly colliding with our sore spots, whether we are aware of it or not. Trying to resolve family struggles with practical book read solutions often does not get to the heart of the matter. No matter what type of positive parenting technique you add to your tool kit, your prickly spots are still under the surface and they have tremendous power over how you perceive every situation. This is the reason we tend to give “our shit” to our children. The habit of self protection often overrides parenting techniques so that when our buttons are pushed we react. Each parent has their own threshold where their best intentions for positive parenting are rendered worthless. Reacting can be small or large, it does not matter because any reacting shows a loss in objectivity and the presence of baggage.

I know I am not alone in trying to cover deep pains with impossible expectations of myself. Why else would so many parents care so much how they are perceived by others. We aim to look good in the eyes of our peers, our kids, teachers and even our spouses. This is why we balk when our kids act out in public, when they say something hurtful to us, when others have something to say about how our kids are adjusting. When something happens that does not fit into our version of reality, of what we expect, we balk and hide, feel bad and then justify and defend.

Some people observe themselves doing this and some do not, but most people do live life on the roller coaster. And all because on a deep level, we are afraid to feel discomfort. To have our shit shaken up. If you wonder if you have unresolved pain look at how you react when anyone, including your kids, say something that contradicts the reality you want for yourself. This was the sadness I felt when Liv said I was a mommy for Evan ( and not for her, I assumed)

In raising children mindfully an honest question needs to be asked.

Most parents say they want their kids to be happy. Do we really know what is best for our children when we do not know our Selves? Can we really model happiness when we are tied up in the roller coaster of our own drama?

After months of resurfacing childhood baggage and other unresolved emotions I finally said to my husband that I feel suffocated by my stuff and I’m tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t continue to pay attention to thoughts that defend, protect, justify, rationalize, criticize, judge, get irritated, try to control, feel lonely or judged, proud, hopeful and lost, unworthy, geeky or diva, power mom or failing miserably…Isn’t it insanity?

Raising kids brings our stuff out. It’s the inconvenient truth of parenting. There’s no getting around the fact that parenting puts you face to face with your drama. But I am faced with one realization: HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. It doesn’t mean it’s easy to take that choice, but it IS a choice regardless. It’s glaringly painfully true when you realize there are no excuses for sacrificing happiness.

Who wants to have a closed heart over so many little details that just won’t matter on your death bed? Why be guilty? Or bent up over anything? Why not let go instead? Let emotions go because we know holding hurt will only block the amount of happiness we can experience. Not because of any concept of forgiveness or other garbage, but simply because holding drama is TIRING and blocks the light in your life.

In raising kids, I don’t think any parenting book will get by the fact that most of us need to work on ourselves first to be better parents. Parenting does not get easier by getting better at “managing” our kids. The best parenting advice I’ve ever heard is work on letting go. And work on knowing who you really are.

I’m not going to be asking anymore Am I good Enough, instead I’ll ask: Who Am I?

Work on letting go and knowing who you are until the day you die so that you can experience how parenting LIVING from a place of freedom feels like.

When you start to feel the million and one feelings life hands you on a silver platter STOP and FEEL IT. Feel yourself get twisted up over something someone said and then let it go cause it’s not worth your happiness. When you feel guilty or wonder if you can do enough as a parent, feel what that type of insecurity feels like and then let it go. Don’t walk around holding a guilty feeling….that’s not Happiness.

Let it ALL go so that your parenting decisions are based in the present moment and not some event that happened 35 years (or two days) ago.

After stating to my husband that I was done with the roller coaster ride of my impossible expectations and trying to answer “am I good enough” I committed myself to letting go (again). Real TAKE NO PRISONERS Letting go. It’s been FUN and yes, quite challenging to reacquaint myself with the energy of feeling feelings again without holding or getting involved.

Now if I could just get a good nights rest! One day…

This post was entirely inspired by a great unparenting book:  “The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself” by Michael Singer.

image credit: the fantastic alicepopkorn

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The Inconvenient Truth About Raising Kids

I’m in the midst of long days and nights with a toddler and 9 month old. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My hands are rarely free until I go to bed each night and I’m not sure if I’ve had three or four full hours of sleep in, gosh, months but if one more person recommends “Cry it out” as a solution to my problems I’m going to be the one screaming.

You see, I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made this time around. I wished I would have held a Olivia a little more closely and not put her in a crib at 2 months, so this time I am holding Evan a little more closely and sharing sleep together. I wished I wouldn’t have been so “by the book” with Liv, so this time I am not following the “baby professionals” guidelines for everything from sleep to food to vaccinations. Nursing, Babywearing and co sleeping seem a natural fit. Really, the only way I could have imagined parenting two children so close in age while keeping my sanity in check.

But there are challenges.

My son does not want anything to do with a crib, even in the daytime. My daughter has gotten used to seeing Evan with me all the time, but I wish I had more alone time with her while he naps. I do not get to rest “at bedtime” because I hold Evan while he sleeps until I go to bed. It’s been this way since day one. No soother, no bed, and no one but Mommie.

I know that this will pass. I remember Olivia waking up to nurse all the time. Then suddenly around 14 months she slept 12 hours and has ever since. So I know Evans sleep is coming. Right?

But should I hasten this time by leaving Evan to cry now?

It seems that “cry it out” is mostly used as a last resort for parents who  are out of suggestions, solutions and sleep. I know, I tried it once when Liv was about 10 months. Thankfully my hell outside her door was cut short after about 15 minutes. Then I cursed myself for not listening to my instincts in the first place.

I remember how many times I felt the pressure that Liv should be doing (insert development) by a certain point. I remember my blood boiling each time I was asked if my six week old was sleeping through the night yet, when in fact I was up six times a night. Then there were all the mothers I met at the park who said they had a great sleeper.

Really? Did I get singled out with the only baby who nursed every two hours, day and night?

Exhausted and tired by 10 months and pressured that she should be sleeping through the night I grabbed the infamous Weissbluth book. (why men, who have no maternal instincts are writing books to help mothers get babies to sleep is beyond me – can we please rely on instinct a little more and not those insulting studies?)

But I was suckered in. Lured by the stories from desperate parents who now had happily sleeping kids. And I so wanted to sleep…and sleep.

I always hear “Well, cry it out works. After 45 minutes, our baby stopped crying. Now junior sleeps like a champ”

I wonder, can we just allow babies to learn about life more slowly? Couldn’t we give them the same time we afford ourselves when we undertake a new skill?

What’s the rush to create an independent (as if this is a good thing) baby?

Independent baby? It doesn’t sound right to me.

To my knowledge, a baby does not learn that they are “separate” – the I AM aspect of consciousness, until around a year or so. If this is natures design, and perhaps for a protective measure, I wonder about the “cost” of rushing a baby through this phase. A premature awakening in a time when they a biologically geared to be close with mother.

So my point about cry it out advice is this:

When a mother expresses how she is feeling; that her son does not sleep (unless in the company of her) and that she is exhausted and frustrated and even miserable, she doesn’t necessarily need people to suggest she let her baby cry it out.

I’m pretty sure I’ve made my decision already.

Am I doing something wrong with rocking and holding and cuddling?

I wish baby sleep were as simple as CIO. And the fact that this is simple for some, well, frustrates me. I sit in my rocking chair feeling resentful that those closest to me cannot offer any other understanding than telling me to let my son cry. I fume that I have allowed myself to have an expectation of my son that, when not met, leaves me feeling frustrated with the whole situation.

Can I be supported and tired, without the need for this advice?

I watched my friend do this with their child after I regrettably gave her that stupid Weissbluth book. I’ve learned that cry it out is not a “one time” solution…it is repeated leaving through all the milestones when sleep is disrupted. OUCH!

“He’ll just cry for a few minutes” or “We don’t go in the room between 8 and 8.”

It’s so black and white…

Is there no wiggle room for just a simple need to be held, even if one “should be sleeping?”

I guess I don’t trust that I will meet my baby’s needs with a rules like this in place.

It’s peculiar to me that all of us have the instinct that a crying baby alone in a room does not seem right, yet we are convinced by well meaning relatives, friends and books (written mostly by men) that advise us to let our babies cry.

Anyhow, I threw that damn sleep book into recycling the other day. Good riddance.

People need attachment – and forgive me for a moment, I don’t keep up to date on the “attachment parenting” stance on this, I just figure it’s common sense.

People need attachment-it’s a good thing! I’m not sure we ever stop seeking this. When we don’t get attached as an infant that people can be trusted, that we are valued and that our needs are heard and acknowledged, not matter how inconvenient, we turn to things – objects- to fulfill this gap.

A baby will attach no matter what….if it is not to me, it will be a cuddly, blankie,  soother, whatever. The first object. I think I’d rather it be me.

I guess I have just observed some insecurity creep in with the little ones I’ve observed who are let to cry and I wonder if all the crying is really worth it.

I mean, do we really know that cry it out is OK and has little effect on our children?

Can we look at our society as a whole? Not MY KID or YOUR KID, but OUR KIDS and say that our children are OK?

Are WE OK? Do we have any issues with acceptance, trust…love, following our heart…giving and receiving love?

Perhaps we could look at cry it out along with all the other ways we culturally separate from our young. The early return to work, daycare, formula, c-sections, separation at birth, early weaning, sleeping alone. All this added together….Are our children fine? I’m reserving  my judgment on this.

I’d like to see us stepping outside “Me” and “I” into the “WE” realm more often.

So, MY SON DOES NOT SLEEP on his own for any length of time.

Is it OK for me to express my fatigue and frustration without suggesting that I leave him cry?

Is it OK to just be tired right now?

Each day I carry him through his naps and hold him at night with the TV softly on until we go to bed. I’m getting through the days by reminding myself that everything has it’s time. He has his own rhythm that must be respected. My job is to do what I can to always reaffirm his trust in me.

As one friend of mine who opposes forced crying stated “I always want my girls to know that I am there for them. Whatever they need, as babies or as little girls, I am there.”

Dear friends who can’t imagine why I refuse to take their advice and let Evan cry it out:

Instead isolating me even more by your lack of understanding and unhelpful advice, could I be encouraged for what I am doing instead?

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Cry It Out Advice Not Helpful

Although I knew nothing about it at the time, I saw an article on gentle parenting and it instantly resonated with me. Since then, my goal has always been to nurture Olivia’s spirit with loving gentle guidance. I would like to say I have handled these last few month with grace but I cannot. Many times I have not been the parent I aim to be.

When moments of parenting two young children require more from me than I have resources for, I have not made the best decisions I could have. I have  surrendered my parenting goals too often with impatience, harshness, unreasonable expectations and being withdrawn or cold. (Sigh..)

Olivia’s beautiful strong spirit has challenged me more than anything I have ever experienced. Guiding her has taken me to heights of euphoria and satisfaction to such depths of despair on the days when I feel totally unqualified for the task of caring for this soul.

My daughter is a sharp girl. A communicator, observant, intuitive, lively and strong spirited. I realize I have misunderstood her level of maturity, as well as often disciplining from a place of insecurity.

For example, it has not been necessary to explain everything we do. Especially when I say “no” there does not need to be an explanation why I am saying no. My explanations (“why”) have come in part out of my intention to respect her. I want to “foster her confidence, understanding and give her a voice in our home.

However, over explaining in a “no” situation comes from insecurity – about  saying no and not being confident in my expectations, especially when she protests. Explaining is also irrelevant chatter from the place of a child and serves no benefit.

I am now reshaping many of the ways we communicate with our children. This is in order to hold their age more delicately, as in the Waldorf philosophy .

If we try to explain too much to children, to reason with them about what we want them to do or not do, we prematurely awaken their capacities of reason and intellect and pull them too early out of the dreamier world of childhood. Beyond the Rainbow Bridge

So, along came the blissful week I wrote Seeing.This was the week we stopped talking.

“Not talking” was inspired by a recent parenting workshop at our Waldorf School on Creative Discipline.  I was reminded about some very simple ways to guide our children without the power struggles, excessive discussion, negotiation, explaining, bribing, force, threats, time outs etc..

Basically, the idea behind “not talking” is to lovingly guide your child  into the next activity/task at hand through gesture or song. This means that I do not “call out or tell her” what I would like her to do next.

an example of too much talking would be:

“OK Olivia, it’s time to put your pajama’s on!”

“Liv, come and put your pajama’s on”

“Liv honey, come see mommy please, I have your pajamas ready”

“Do you want mommy to get you, or are you going to come yourself?”

(GOSH! Isn’t this irrelevant chatter for a toddler…!!!)

An example of not talking and guiding through  “gesture” would be:

“Liv, you may put your baby to bed now ”

I let her have closure, and then gently but firmly say

“Come now, come with me” as I put my arms gently around her shoulder and guide her to her pajama’s.

We do this at dinner time  as well.

Instead of calling out, we go to her and say

“Come, lets eat together” with an arm around her all the way to the table.

This method has been quite successful for us. She almost always moves to the next activity with ease. She seems to appreciate fewer words because she can navigate what is expected of her more clearly. Also, my firm gentle tone has lot’s of love in it. And still, she knows I am firm in what I am asking. I am more confident as well.

Gestures takes a little getting used to because at first it felt like we should be saying more, also, just over riding the habit of talking. Ever notice how often parents have to comment on every little thing their child does? Not talking has made me so aware of this chatter -  a kind of a “hyper” parenting mode that is well intended but pulls children out of their dream space that is essential to proper emotional and mental development.

There is no need to fill the space with words. I think our kids appreciate this. It feels calm, secure and I can relax inside of it. Most importantly, using gestures  allows Liv to BE…in her space, her world, without loading her with pointless parent chatter.

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The Week We Stopped Talking

Today I saw Olivia.

I saw beyond the crumbs on her face that constantly need to be wiped and the frizzy hair that I can barely keep up with.

I saw my child’s heart. The one that is mine to guide but not mine to keep.

I watched her all day long and smiled at her constantly.

Not too many words were spoken today.

And the more I saw her heart, the more she sparkled back at me.

My smiles and acceptance only amplified her radiance.

It was an easy day for us without drama and tantrums.

Instead, I got a hug that blew my heart open and brought tears to my eyes.

It got me wondering…

Do we take enough time to see their heart’s? Not only us, but society too.

When we leave the toddler days behind and we have a spirited teenager, I want to know what makes her heart sing.

Do many parents know their child’s heart?

I see the quest for “the well rounded” child, bustling from activity to activity.

And so many kids who want to be everything for their parents.

But are they following their heart? If we listened, could we accept that a child already knows?

I wonder what would happen if parents worried less about perceived weaknesses and supported the story our children have been trying to tell us.

Would our world feel different if children knew they could trust their hearts with us?

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