I’m in the midst of long days and nights with a toddler and 9 month old. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My hands are rarely free until I go to bed each night and I’m not sure if I’ve had three or four full hours of sleep in, gosh, months but if one more person recommends “Cry it out” as a solution to my problems I’m going to be the one screaming.

You see, I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made this time around. I wished I would have held a Olivia a little more closely and not put her in a crib at 2 months, so this time I am holding Evan a little more closely and sharing sleep together. I wished I wouldn’t have been so “by the book” with Liv, so this time I am not following the “baby professionals” guidelines for everything from sleep to food to vaccinations. Nursing, Babywearing and co sleeping seem a natural fit. Really, the only way I could have imagined parenting two children so close in age while keeping my sanity in check.

But there are challenges.

My son does not want anything to do with a crib, even in the daytime. My daughter has gotten used to seeing Evan with me all the time, but I wish I had more alone time with her while he naps. I do not get to rest “at bedtime” because I hold Evan while he sleeps until I go to bed. It’s been this way since day one. No soother, no bed, and no one but Mommie.

I know that this will pass. I remember Olivia waking up to nurse all the time. Then suddenly around 14 months she slept 12 hours and has ever since. So I know Evans sleep is coming. Right?

But should I hasten this time by leaving Evan to cry now?

It seems that “cry it out” is mostly used as a last resort for parents who  are out of suggestions, solutions and sleep. I know, I tried it once when Liv was about 10 months. Thankfully my hell outside her door was cut short after about 15 minutes. Then I cursed myself for not listening to my instincts in the first place.

I remember how many times I felt the pressure that Liv should be doing (insert development) by a certain point. I remember my blood boiling each time I was asked if my six week old was sleeping through the night yet, when in fact I was up six times a night. Then there were all the mothers I met at the park who said they had a great sleeper.

Really? Did I get singled out with the only baby who nursed every two hours, day and night?

Exhausted and tired by 10 months and pressured that she should be sleeping through the night I grabbed the infamous Weissbluth book. (why men, who have no maternal instincts are writing books to help mothers get babies to sleep is beyond me – can we please rely on instinct a little more and not those insulting studies?)

But I was suckered in. Lured by the stories from desperate parents who now had happily sleeping kids. And I so wanted to sleep…and sleep.

I always hear “Well, cry it out works. After 45 minutes, our baby stopped crying. Now junior sleeps like a champ”

I wonder, can we just allow babies to learn about life more slowly? Couldn’t we give them the same time we afford ourselves when we undertake a new skill?

What’s the rush to create an independent (as if this is a good thing) baby?

Independent baby? It doesn’t sound right to me.

To my knowledge, a baby does not learn that they are “separate” – the I AM aspect of consciousness, until around a year or so. If this is natures design, and perhaps for a protective measure, I wonder about the “cost” of rushing a baby through this phase. A premature awakening in a time when they a biologically geared to be close with mother.

So my point about cry it out advice is this:

When a mother expresses how she is feeling; that her son does not sleep (unless in the company of her) and that she is exhausted and frustrated and even miserable, she doesn’t necessarily need people to suggest she let her baby cry it out.

I’m pretty sure I’ve made my decision already.

Am I doing something wrong with rocking and holding and cuddling?

I wish baby sleep were as simple as CIO. And the fact that this is simple for some, well, frustrates me. I sit in my rocking chair feeling resentful that those closest to me cannot offer any other understanding than telling me to let my son cry. I fume that I have allowed myself to have an expectation of my son that, when not met, leaves me feeling frustrated with the whole situation.

Can I be supported and tired, without the need for this advice?

I watched my friend do this with their child after I regrettably gave her that stupid Weissbluth book. I’ve learned that cry it out is not a “one time” solution…it is repeated leaving through all the milestones when sleep is disrupted. OUCH!

“He’ll just cry for a few minutes” or “We don’t go in the room between 8 and 8.”

It’s so black and white…

Is there no wiggle room for just a simple need to be held, even if one “should be sleeping?”

I guess I don’t trust that I will meet my baby’s needs with a rules like this in place.

It’s peculiar to me that all of us have the instinct that a crying baby alone in a room does not seem right, yet we are convinced by well meaning relatives, friends and books (written mostly by men) that advise us to let our babies cry.

Anyhow, I threw that damn sleep book into recycling the other day. Good riddance.

People need attachment – and forgive me for a moment, I don’t keep up to date on the “attachment parenting” stance on this, I just figure it’s common sense.

People need attachment-it’s a good thing! I’m not sure we ever stop seeking this. When we don’t get attached as an infant that people can be trusted, that we are valued and that our needs are heard and acknowledged, not matter how inconvenient, we turn to things – objects- to fulfill this gap.

A baby will attach no matter what….if it is not to me, it will be a cuddly, blankie,  soother, whatever. The first object. I think I’d rather it be me.

I guess I have just observed some insecurity creep in with the little ones I’ve observed who are let to cry and I wonder if all the crying is really worth it.

I mean, do we really know that cry it out is OK and has little effect on our children?

Can we look at our society as a whole? Not MY KID or YOUR KID, but OUR KIDS and say that our children are OK?

Are WE OK? Do we have any issues with acceptance, trust…love, following our heart…giving and receiving love?

Perhaps we could look at cry it out along with all the other ways we culturally separate from our young. The early return to work, daycare, formula, c-sections, separation at birth, early weaning, sleeping alone. All this added together….Are our children fine? I’m reserving  my judgment on this.

I’d like to see us stepping outside “Me” and “I” into the “WE” realm more often.

So, MY SON DOES NOT SLEEP on his own for any length of time.

Is it OK for me to express my fatigue and frustration without suggesting that I leave him cry?

Is it OK to just be tired right now?

Each day I carry him through his naps and hold him at night with the TV softly on until we go to bed. I’m getting through the days by reminding myself that everything has it’s time. He has his own rhythm that must be respected. My job is to do what I can to always reaffirm his trust in me.

As one friend of mine who opposes forced crying stated “I always want my girls to know that I am there for them. Whatever they need, as babies or as little girls, I am there.”

Dear friends who can’t imagine why I refuse to take their advice and let Evan cry it out:

Instead isolating me even more by your lack of understanding and unhelpful advice, could I be encouraged for what I am doing instead?

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Cry It Out Advice Not Helpful

Wow, where has the time gone? So many times I’ve wanted to get online and share what’s been going on around here but finding the time to write has been challenging. When I get the urge to write (which is often) I have mostly been able to put it out of my mind otherwise my focus is split and Iturn into a big old grouch. Evan is now 23 weeks and Liv is a very spirited two and a half year old. If I actually get to hit publish on this today..wow.

We have moved twice since June. Once to a new city, and once again to the house we were waiting for. Moving is never fun and we have moved more times than I care to remember. The silver lining is the purge of “stuff” each time we discover even more things we can live without and a new resolve to stop buying on impulse.

I continue to be amazed at all the benefits I’ve received since using the HypnoBirthing method. I think more women would take the time to learn about the wisdom it offers if only they knew how much it could transform their experience.

In the days after Evans water birth, I did not have any sore muscles. In  fact, my body to this date has never felt so strong. The normal perineum swelling went away within hours and I did not have any of the “just given birth” feelings.

More than the physical benefits, I think being at peace with our experience and not carrying any baggage into my relationship with Evan has been profoundly eye opening. I have learned so much. The birth experience matters because birth energy sticks around, for better or worse. Had I known what I know now, I would have made much different birth choices for Liv’s birth. C’est la vie! Both experiences are what they are though and now I have a new perspective of which I consider a gift. I’ve certainly learned that the onus is on us to make choices (whatever the may be) or the choices will be made for us.

I was prepared for some postpartum anxiety and depression but I have been feeling pretty good so far. Exhausted, but good. Mostly, I think I have managed my expectations much better this time around. If I’m not able to do or get to something, I try to let it go. In hindsight, I had too much to prove the first time around. I placed tremendous pressure on myself and thus the anxiety and rattled nerves. So far, I’ve managed to set aside the “I can do it all” mindset.

The other big realization is that I have been carrying some anger from Liv’s birth. The anger stems from not having the courage to tell my doctor to get her friggin’ hands off me when Liv was crowning. There is absolutely no reason a doctor needs to push back your skin around the emerging head (thus causing excessive tearing). Intuitively, I knew what was happening was unnecessary. The pain shocked and humbled me and while everything inside screamed STOP…I was mute. It amazes me how much they think they know, yet how much they tend to mess it up (cause they just can’t let someone else be in control for a change). I wish more space and respect was given to a mothers innate birthing wisdom.

We have been drinking up every moment of the infant stage. It just goes by too fast. Evan is such a happy little guy. He is fairly easy to soothe so our transition into a family of four has been much easier – although the new level of chaos and busyness has taken some time to get used to. The baby carrier has been my life saver!!

Evan was sleeping in our bed until just recently. Now I am transitioning him into his own bed. I was too nervous and such a light sleeper to bed share with Liv. Instead we co-slept with a cradle beside us. Bed sharing with Evan has been delightful and I’m so glad to have had this experience. I’d love to say I’m getting sleep, but I’m up every two-three hours right now. Sigh…this too shall pass.

One thing that took me by surprise was how much I wanted to hold Liv as a baby again. I was melancholic for the first two months watching my little girl become a big sister, outgrowing my concepts of her and realizing I had to let go. A toddler and now big sister seeking independence while I mourn the end of Liv as my baby. I still carry some regret about having post-partum with her. The more I relish Evan’s infancy, the more I long to in some way make up for all the times I was consumed with anxiety and not as emotionally present for her as I could have been. Post partum feels like it stole time from me, and I can’t get it back.

Liv has adjusted so well to having a baby brother. She is quite mothering so I try to include her in as much as I can. At times, she has seemed a bit more emotional towards us and so I am always working to find a new balance where she does not get the short end of the stick. She helps with the diapers and laundry and consoles him with “I know, I know  Evan” when he is fussing…pretty cute really.

Liv and I always used to talk about our day during our snuggle at bedtime. Juggling this special time around Evan has been challenging and after a night of repeated interruptions during her story and snuggle I finally realized it was crazy to try and get Evan down while we put Liv to bed. Why not bring him into her room for a big family snuggle? I assumed that she wanted time alone with me but this night was one of the most special nights yet.

I am nursing Evan successfully and he is packing on the weight. To date he is over 16 pounds. He is a no-soother boy. Spits it out like it’s last weeks leftovers! Even though Liv has been weaned since 14 months, she has decided that one breast is hers and one is Evans. I knew this may happen so when she first said she needed some milk I said OK. She leaned in close to me and pretended to drink. A moment later she said she was all done. “It’s pretty good” she states. She’s outgrown this now and these days she gets an ounce in a glass when I pump and freeze for future use.

Well, that’s our update for now. This is all time allows and…I’m going to hit PUBLISH, I swear!!

I hope you are happy and healthy.

I had to share this funny photo. Is this a sign of things to come?

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Adjusting…Slowly.

What is HypnoBirthing? Read my other article about pain free births: HypnoBirthing, The Mongon Method

We Are Given What We Require to Grow into Our Creative Potential

The gentle and pain free birth of my second really begins with the birth of my first child, our  beloved daughter Olivia. The incredible birth of my son was very much influenced by the decisions I made before the birth. I believe we are all given the birth we require. Some women are conscious of this opportunity to learn more about themselves and what is possible, and some are not.

For as long as I can remember, I have admire and wished I could be one of those women who births naturally at home. When I became pregnant with my first, the only option in my mind was to have a natural birth without drugs. I received very little support from women who chose epidurals and women who birthed natural told me their horror stories and then said, “but you can to it, just get it done.” I went the traditional route however, passing off my desire for a home birth because it was my first and I was nervous of “the unknown.” In hindsight, I accept that I did not educate myself enough to make a fully empowered choice. My choice to birth naturally in a hospital did, however, teach me something very powerful that enabled me to have the birth of my dreams two years later.

The Lesson

Going into the birth of my first, I was not sure if I could handle it. Looking back, I hoped and prayed it would go well, but I did not feel truly prepared or empowered. I knew I was a “strong woman” but of coarse I also had no idea what birth was like except for the stories I was told, which did not leave me feeling optimistic. I had prepared with traditional Lamaze classes and I noticed how little they supported a natural birthing mother. Much of the discussion centered around  “back up plan” for drugs.

In labor, I was taken back by the power of the contractions but I went inside and mustered my courage for a natural birth. The only plan I had was to “birth naturally.” I viewed it as  the “summit” of the birthing experience.

The labor rolled on and then slowed at 6cm dilation where I accepted the suggestion to break my water. This is when the fun really began. Surges that were manageable before, suddenly became incredibly painful and I was rocked by the intensity. The birth classes proved to be utterly useless.

Looking back at what I know now, I felt at this time, that I was separate from baby…as though we were not birthing together. Instead, I was “surviving” the birth. By the transition phase at 10 cm, I surrendered and accepted gas. Because of my previous history, the gas triggered an anxiety attack that hid from everyone. Even my husband did not know what was happening to me as I felt myself spiral down.

I was congratulated for being such an “amazing and stoic woman” after the birth. They felt my birth had gone so well and yet I felt so humiliated and dis-empowered. I had accepted a drug when my only goal was to birth naturally. I had been terrified by the pain and I had felt completely ill equipped as a woman to handle it. I had ran when I knew I could have embraced the experience differently. I knew that there was something about this birth experience that I had missed, but I could not put my finger on it just yet. It was my intuition that told me this.

Following the birth of my first, I took about 16 weeks to heal from the stitches, and unfortunately, I experienced post-partum depression for about 10 months. There were so many aspects where I gave my power and voice away during the birth that I feel this influenced how I felt entering into motherhood.

The Opportunity for a Peaceful Empowering Birth

Nearly two years later I was weeks away from giving birth to my second.

In the beginning of the pregnancy, I went the same route as my first – doctor and hospital. But one day I met with a friend and she casually said that her second birth was very “spiritual.” I was intrigued? Spiritual? What does that mean?

I still pondered the idea of a home birth but I was scared of the “unknown.” My doctor was “good” and she delivered my first. I was hesitant to rock the boat, but the desire to explore what a “spiritual birth” meant to me persisted. I began to research birth online and quite by chance, a blogger published her “pain free” birth story using HypnoBirhting. She was so relaxed that nobody believed she was in labor!

I decided to hire a HypnoBirthing Coach late into my pregnancy. At 34 weeks, I began the recommended 5 sessions. After my first session, I brought my passionate desire to use HypnoBirhting to my doctor. I assumed a female doctor would share my desire to birth as powerfully as possible but she was threatened by my desire to self direct my birth and accused me of  potentially doing something to harm my baby. (the famous “fear of the unknown” scare tactic)

I felt very betrayed by my doctor. I was hurt but then I was angry. I  knew she was not on my team, so at 35 weeks, I fired her. I was completely without any birth support and only weeks away from my due date. I spent the next 3 days calling midwives around the province (canada) who would possibly take me on. Typically, every office is booked 30 weeks in advance so I was not having any success.

The Choice is Made, My Dreams are Possible

This was the point where I mustered up a vision & faith for my birth. It was distressing on one hand, but incredibly liberating on the other. I was birthing my way and I began to trust that things would work out so long as I released fear. At 36 weeks I finally found a local office who agreed to take me on. As soon as I had secured a midwife, I committed to a home birth. (Doctors do not attend home births in Canada) I was given statistics and information from my midwife that is approved by the Canadian Government and I was completely reassured that in many cases, home birth is the safest place to birth. I then completed my 3rd HypnoBirthing session.

At 38 weeks, I received my second midwife appointment. I grabbed a birthing pool, “just in case.” The very next morning, I went into labor!  My husband left the house to gather the supplies for a home birth. My birth story inspires me because all my major decisions were made in the final month of my pregnancy! I feel many women make a decision for their birth and then they are afraid to change it. I changed my mind and it was the best decision I have ever made!

The beginning surges were mostly in my back, as it was with my first baby and I begin to feel self doubt again. I worried that back labor would spoil my desire to have a “pain free & peaceful birth.” The labor slowed during the day but picked up again shortly after putting my daughter to bed. My husband continued to prepare the birthing room.

I’ve heard you can sleep in early labor but I was too excited to lie down. I pondered a movie, but since it’s only my husband and I, I decided to “stay in the zone” and fill the bathtub instead. In hindsight, being alone to labor was ideal. No distraction allowed me to completely sink into the experience.With an essential oil of rose facecloth draped over my face, I labored in the tub. No music, no talking, just a deeply relaxing HypnoBirthing CD.

The surges came often, and while they were still in my back, the thought of pain had totally diminished. This time, I breathed in a way that felt productive to me and baby. At one point,  I acknowledged where many women would ask for an epidural, however I completely released the feeling of pain and returned to total relaxation. This was an exhilarating realization.

I asked my husband to fill the birthing pool but he blew me off, thinking we had more time. Clearly he was remembering and expecting the look on my face with our first born! He reassured me that he wanted to be sure the pool temperature was “just right” for the birth. I continue to ask, and finally he began filling the pool. Within 10 minutes we run out of hot water. OOPS!
My husband continued to fill the pool by running up and down the stairs with pots and a kettle while I labored in the bath tub. I felt the surges intensify. We had not bothered to time the surges because they were so manageable but now it was time to measure our progress. We called our HypnoBirthing Coach in, who lived one hour away.

Putting Peace into Practice

I began to feel some fear at this point. Perhaps it was because everything was going so well, a fear creeped in as if it was all too good to be true, so my coach relaxed me over the phone and helped me release my fears about the cord being wrapped about the baby’s head. My previous sessions went very deep into my fears and I did a lot of work on visualizing the birth of my dreams so relaxing at this point had already been well rehearsed.

I began to have a hard time expressing my needs to my husband. It was the same point in hindsight, that I had accepted the gas with my first. As I peered down at my belly, I noticed that it had begun to flatten out. Baby was moving down! The power of the surges took my breath away, but I was still relaxed so what I actually felt was the power of my inner body squeezing around our baby. I relaxed while my body worked!

(In hindsight, I love the fact that I was not checked to “see how far along” I was. This practice is so disturbing to “the zone” and I think it leads to disappointment if the progression does not match expectations. The disappointment and perhaps distrust in the birth process can easily shift the labor out of the hands and intuition of the mother and into the hands of other who do not have the same intention for your birth.

I asked my husband to call the midwives as well. I had to get out of the bathtub. I was so ready for the pool but it was not ready yet! I remember feeling guilty for calling the midwives, in case I has misjudged the time and called too early. To add to the adventure, our midwife declared that her other client was also in labor and chose to be in a hospital, so that we would have to meet her there!

I blurted out that “I am ‘pushing’ and there is no way I’m getting in a car right now!”

My husband flew around filling the pool. Water sprayed everywhere. He was a little flustered, but not too bad. My legs began to shake from the hormones and dampness from my long bath. When I finally got into the pool, it was HEAVEN!! It really should be the standard. It was dark, except for a candle. Our midwife arrived and checked me,  declaring that our baby is “right there.”

That was a sweet sound!

Discovering My Innate Birthing Wisdom

My birth coach arrived soon after. I drank water but declined a fruit snack. Even though I knew many HypnoBirthing moms snack through labor, the the memory of puking with our first turned me off. Then my coach dropped me into the deepest relaxation I have ever been in. It was literally “lights out” as my body floated to the top of the pool. When the surges came, the bearing down was so intense yet relaxed and I felt joyful – even ecstatic!

I felt intensely powerful. Warrior like. There were many moments that took my breath away, but never did I feel a loss of my power. There were, perhaps, moments where I was faced with a decision. And each time I was empowered to TRUST and SURRENDER to my baby and body.

I feel this is the line each women come up to during birth, some earlier on and some later along the labor, but this is where we have the power to choose fear or faith. It’s where we signal to our body to produce more adrenaline or more oxytocin and it is controlled by our emotions.

I connected to the process and floated while my body birthed my baby. I did not push with any of my external muscles. I did not scream or cry in pain. I remember uttering the most powerful “song” that seemed to come from my belly.
Just before crowing, my water finally broke. This was one big bone of contention with my former doctor who said she would not allow me to birth with the water in tact lest she got sprayed in the process. Doctor centered? Or mother/baby centered?

I decided to squat with my upper body draped over the side of the pool. I breathed deeply using the special HypnoBirthing breathing techniques. My husband got into the pool ready to catch our baby while I felt the classic “ring of fire.” This is the second point where I felt scared. I tore with my first and endured a long 4 month recovery with sits baths. I felt myself get tense, but I remembered the videos I watched of mothers birthing their own children and I remembered from those videos that I could slow things down. No one was telling me to “push.”

My coach quietly asked if I was holding back on birthing him. I could not communicate what I was doing, only that I did not want to rip again. Again I felt empowered and breathed deeply through two surges  (She later said to me that this part of the labor was so amazing for her to watch. I was birthing my way and it was perfect! In hindsight, lingering a little longer for the crowning allowed Evan’s head to adjust to my size so there was no discomfort apart from the brief initial discomfort.) Women are generally encouraged to push baby out at this point. I personally feel it should go more slowly.

There was only a small patch of hair showing at this point, but just as I rolled out of the squat and on to my back, baby’s head fully emerged. I did not feel a thing! No pain whatsoever. I placed my hand over the top of his head and felt him wiggling inside of me, trying to swim the rest of his way out. We were all shocked at the ease and speed that he crowned and was birthed into the pool.

My Dream Becomes a Reality

Evan Lucas was born at 2:10am. Norb placed him on my chest and Evan took his first breath of life. A sleepy eyed Liv was immediately brought into the room. She whispered “my baby brother..ohhhh wow!” while we sat back as a family and soaked the entire birth experience. Around 4:30am we retired to the warm comfort of our bed.

A water birth at home would have been amazing, but for us using the HypnoBirthing method along with a home water birth is really the icing on the cake. It was truly delicious! I felt incredible. I did not rip, I declined the hormone shot, birthed the placenta naturally and within 24 hours, my perineum had returned back to normal. There was no sore muscles or bruising. More than that, I felt like I could take a big hike because there was simply no post-partum discomfort. I had allowed my body to birth from inside and instead of  sore muscles and a fatigued body I was rewarded with energy.

Saying YES to my dream birth and birthing my way, despite all the obstacles we faced was a life changing experience. I have come to realize that each of us are given the birth experience we require. I had no idea that my desire for a more “empowered and spiritual” birth would lead me to this point. This was my big success that empowered me in all areas of my life. The connection with my son on my second birth gave me the strength to heal my feelings around my first birth.

What Does My Spiritual Birth Mean For Your Birth?

I know the fears I moved through. They were big. I doubted I could be that woman, who births easily and naturally at home. My birth has secured a knowing that any women who desires her dream birth can make it happen. We may not always get the birth we want, when we want it, but our births have a tremendous opportunity within them. I share my birth story with any woman who will listen but I find that the belief that birth has to be hard and painful is so deeply engrained in our subconscious that they do not think it is possible for them as well.

I look back on my birth experience and see each birth as a result of decisions I made or did not make. Prior to the births, I made choices and during the births I made choices. Some were empowering and honored my authentic voice and some were not.

This is how I feel we possess so much power over our birth instead of accepting that we are mearly bystanders in this process.

I have learned that it is so important not to judge your birth experience, especially if did not do the way you had hoped. We are given the gift of understanding and learning. Regardless of how a birth goes, we always have the power to choose whether we will use it to empower us or limit us in some way.  It’s all choices. If you are reading this story, you likely feel a calling to create an empowered birth as well.

Declare your dream and own your voice, this is your right and it is your birth story to create.

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My HypnoBirthing Story

We did it!

We received little Evan Lucas early in the morning (2am) on Thursday, April 9th. He is 7lbs, 7oz. I delivered him at home, in water using the HypnoBirthing method. It was beyond anything I ever imagined. Truly amazing.

He certainly surprised us, arriving 2 weeks early. My husband scrambled all day Wednesday to get the room and pool ready, plus all the last minute supplies while I went in and out of labor. What a journey the last 2 weeks have been. Here we are now and the vision is realized. I’m on cloud nine!

I’m feeling terrific and enjoying this Babymoon time. I’ll share my birth story very soon but wanted to quickly share our first pictures with you. I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend with your family.

Evan at 7 hours old

My baby brother!

Our little man.

Proud Daddy

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Welcome Evan Lucas!

The last couple weeks have been quite a roller coaster ride. This was certainly not what I expected when I embarked on this HypnoBirthing journey. I’m not normally one to rant on HGM…so bear with me!

I am a healthy woman. This has been a textbook pregnancy with no maternal complications. I am physically the strongest I have ever been. Mentally as well. We have confirmed that baby is perfectly healthy, even with a pelvic kidney, there is no cause for concern other than checking baby out a week or so after birth.

On quite a high from being totally empowered by the approaching birth, I naively thought I would find support from my female doctor. Surely she would understand the call of a woman to reclaim her birth experience? Sadly, my doctor was less than enthusiastic when I shared my birth plan. Actually, she was argumentative and slightly abusive.

Although knowing absolutely nothing about HypnoBirthing, she seemed to think is was an abomination that I would even consider listening to my own body and follow my own contractions as a guide for “breathing baby down” instead of relying on prompted calls to push. Choose an alternate birth position and dare to refuse my water being broken unless medically necessary.? Not on her watch! She revealed to me that she WILL break my water so it does not splash in her face! What an unbelievable intrusion that is not hers to dictate unless medically required. Babies have been born enclosed in their sack. Can you imagine a more gentle transition into this world?  How can any practitioner can take that away from the baby and mother because of their personal preferences disguised as “procedure.”

I suddenly found myself defending my desire to have a natural and gentle hospital birth, as unassisted as possible. She used all the usual fear based rhetoric to cite every possible scenario that could go wrong. And I wonder why women these days have such a fear of childbirth?  Gee, do you think the fear has anything at all to do with how things turn out? Fear is debilitating in life, why would it not also impact how a birth plays out?

I left the office shattered and soon in tears. What I felt most was a feeling of dis-empowerment. I had allowed someone to get under my skin, question my own body, the natural process, and fill me up with fear. How easy it would be to turn control over to someone else to handle an experience that was rightfully mine and my baby’s to decide and experience for ourselves.

When I think about the terror many women feel towards their birth, I understand how they get there with the type of suggestive language that was used on me that made me doubt my own body and abilities while in that office. The doctor has the power, who am I to question “procedures?”

I experienced first hand what the birth activists are trying so hard to communicate to us about how we have given away our power, our faith in our bodies and in the natural process of birth. Somehow, by requesting that we follow a natural and gentle birth plan, I was taking my baby’s life in to my own hands. What a stretch!

I decided to search for a new provider. My doctor had broken my trust and I was not confident that she would support me fully in what I want to achieve for our birth. Instead of being “woman centered” I was fast approaching a “doctor centered” birth experience.

In Canada, we have 2 options. Hospital or home birth. Doctor or Midwife. There are no birth centers here. Finding a midwife with 3 1/2 weeks to go is pretty next to impossible. We are in short supply, you need to grab a midwife the second the dipstick turns pink.  Doctors do not like to step on each others toes either, so I was having a very hard time. But I desperately did not want to return to that office.

We had discussed a home birth in the beginning but when we heard about the kidney we let it go, not knowing at that time what we were dealing with. I also surrendered my life long dream (of having a water birth) because my doctor said she personally would never forgive herself “if something went wrong” and she could have been in the hospital. So I surrendered my power months ago by accepting her suggestive language.

Fear gets under the skin, when in reality, there are no guarantees in either setting. Some would argue that there are far more interventions which then cause further complications in a hospital than in home births.

After days of calling and being turned away from countless offices I finally received a call today. The call came 30 minutes before my dreaded 37 week checkup with my doctor. A midwife was willing to take me on – ahhhh divine intervention!

So, I officially fired my doctor today. This is my experience, not hers.

I had to fight hard this week to keep my desire for a natural and gentle birth alive.

We are now making hasty plans to have a home water birth, using the HypnoBirthing method I have been learning these last few weeks. I have an amazing birth coach who also happens to be my HypnoBirthing coach. I am in great hands.

I wanted to share 2 amazing DVD’s that I have watched this week. These videos are so beautiful and profound. All I can say is if you are pregnant or looking to conceive again, these videos are so empowering and insightful.

What Babies Want: An Exploration into the Consciousness of Infants

Birth Into Being: The Russian Waterbirth Experience (amazing even if you do not choose a water birth as it explores Gentle Birthing, first inspired by these Russian women)

Talk to you soon – Be well!

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My Quest For A Natural & Gentle Birth