I’m in the midst of long days and nights with a toddler and 9 month old. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My hands are rarely free until I go to bed each night and I’m not sure if I’ve had three or four full hours of sleep in, gosh, months but if one more person recommends “Cry it out” as a solution to my problems I’m going to be the one screaming.
You see, I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made this time around. I wished I would have held a Olivia a little more closely and not put her in a crib at 2 months, so this time I am holding Evan a little more closely and sharing sleep together. I wished I wouldn’t have been so “by the book” with Liv, so this time I am not following the “baby professionals” guidelines for everything from sleep to food to vaccinations. Nursing, Babywearing and co sleeping seem a natural fit. Really, the only way I could have imagined parenting two children so close in age while keeping my sanity in check.
But there are challenges.
My son does not want anything to do with a crib, even in the daytime. My daughter has gotten used to seeing Evan with me all the time, but I wish I had more alone time with her while he naps. I do not get to rest “at bedtime” because I hold Evan while he sleeps until I go to bed. It’s been this way since day one. No soother, no bed, and no one but Mommie.
I know that this will pass. I remember Olivia waking up to nurse all the time. Then suddenly around 14 months she slept 12 hours and has ever since. So I know Evans sleep is coming. Right?
But should I hasten this time by leaving Evan to cry now?
It seems that “cry it out” is mostly used as a last resort for parents who are out of suggestions, solutions and sleep. I know, I tried it once when Liv was about 10 months. Thankfully my hell outside her door was cut short after about 15 minutes. Then I cursed myself for not listening to my instincts in the first place.
I remember how many times I felt the pressure that Liv should be doing (insert development) by a certain point. I remember my blood boiling each time I was asked if my six week old was sleeping through the night yet, when in fact I was up six times a night. Then there were all the mothers I met at the park who said they had a great sleeper.
Really? Did I get singled out with the only baby who nursed every two hours, day and night?
Exhausted and tired by 10 months and pressured that she should be sleeping through the night I grabbed the infamous Weissbluth book. (why men, who have no maternal instincts are writing books to help mothers get babies to sleep is beyond me – can we please rely on instinct a little more and not those insulting studies?)
But I was suckered in. Lured by the stories from desperate parents who now had happily sleeping kids. And I so wanted to sleep…and sleep.
I always hear “Well, cry it out works. After 45 minutes, our baby stopped crying. Now junior sleeps like a champ”
I wonder, can we just allow babies to learn about life more slowly? Couldn’t we give them the same time we afford ourselves when we undertake a new skill?
What’s the rush to create an independent (as if this is a good thing) baby?
Independent baby? It doesn’t sound right to me.
To my knowledge, a baby does not learn that they are “separate” – the I AM aspect of consciousness, until around a year or so. If this is natures design, and perhaps for a protective measure, I wonder about the “cost” of rushing a baby through this phase. A premature awakening in a time when they a biologically geared to be close with mother.
So my point about cry it out advice is this:
When a mother expresses how she is feeling; that her son does not sleep (unless in the company of her) and that she is exhausted and frustrated and even miserable, she doesn’t necessarily need people to suggest she let her baby cry it out.
I’m pretty sure I’ve made my decision already.
Am I doing something wrong with rocking and holding and cuddling?
I wish baby sleep were as simple as CIO. And the fact that this is simple for some, well, frustrates me. I sit in my rocking chair feeling resentful that those closest to me cannot offer any other understanding than telling me to let my son cry. I fume that I have allowed myself to have an expectation of my son that, when not met, leaves me feeling frustrated with the whole situation.
Can I be supported and tired, without the need for this advice?
I watched my friend do this with their child after I regrettably gave her that stupid Weissbluth book. I’ve learned that cry it out is not a “one time” solution…it is repeated leaving through all the milestones when sleep is disrupted. OUCH!
“He’ll just cry for a few minutes” or “We don’t go in the room between 8 and 8.”
It’s so black and white…
Is there no wiggle room for just a simple need to be held, even if one “should be sleeping?”
I guess I don’t trust that I will meet my baby’s needs with a rules like this in place.
It’s peculiar to me that all of us have the instinct that a crying baby alone in a room does not seem right, yet we are convinced by well meaning relatives, friends and books (written mostly by men) that advise us to let our babies cry.
Anyhow, I threw that damn sleep book into recycling the other day. Good riddance.
People need attachment – and forgive me for a moment, I don’t keep up to date on the “attachment parenting” stance on this, I just figure it’s common sense.
People need attachment-it’s a good thing! I’m not sure we ever stop seeking this. When we don’t get attached as an infant that people can be trusted, that we are valued and that our needs are heard and acknowledged, not matter how inconvenient, we turn to things – objects- to fulfill this gap.
A baby will attach no matter what….if it is not to me, it will be a cuddly, blankie, soother, whatever. The first object. I think I’d rather it be me.
I guess I have just observed some insecurity creep in with the little ones I’ve observed who are let to cry and I wonder if all the crying is really worth it.
I mean, do we really know that cry it out is OK and has little effect on our children?
Can we look at our society as a whole? Not MY KID or YOUR KID, but OUR KIDS and say that our children are OK?
Are WE OK? Do we have any issues with acceptance, trust…love, following our heart…giving and receiving love?
Perhaps we could look at cry it out along with all the other ways we culturally separate from our young. The early return to work, daycare, formula, c-sections, separation at birth, early weaning, sleeping alone. All this added together….Are our children fine? I’m reserving my judgment on this.
I’d like to see us stepping outside “Me” and “I” into the “WE” realm more often.
So, MY SON DOES NOT SLEEP on his own for any length of time.
Is it OK for me to express my fatigue and frustration without suggesting that I leave him cry?
Is it OK to just be tired right now?
Each day I carry him through his naps and hold him at night with the TV softly on until we go to bed. I’m getting through the days by reminding myself that everything has it’s time. He has his own rhythm that must be respected. My job is to do what I can to always reaffirm his trust in me.
As one friend of mine who opposes forced crying stated “I always want my girls to know that I am there for them. Whatever they need, as babies or as little girls, I am there.”
Dear friends who can’t imagine why I refuse to take their advice and let Evan cry it out:
Instead isolating me even more by your lack of understanding and unhelpful advice, could I be encouraged for what I am doing instead?
These are my thoughts on living a healthy and simple life. I'm a modern mom with some traditional ideas. At home, I try to clear the confusion from all the conflicting health and parenting advice with some common sense and a natural philosophy. This is the sanest way I know how to navigate the 21 century.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hugs to you Mama! My son is 2.5 and still doesn’t sleep through the night. We co-sleep and still nurse and I wouldn’t change a thing. I know what I am doing is best for him. Sounds like you are doing what is best for your son too. I believe CIO does work, but at a serious cost to the child. My husband and I are both saddened by the way parents today seemed so focused on their own needs, at the detriment to their small children who still need them. We, as a society, need to change that. Though I don’t know how.
Jennifer Thanks for that. You are right, CIO does work, but “simple” solutions often have a price. I’m not willing to take a gamble. The internet has been great for finding like minded parents when I would otherwise feel more alone on this. So thank you for taking the time to comment!
yes. i support you. and i feel your fatigue.
and i tried CIO when my now 7 month old was 4 months old (because my husband was deployed and i was exhausted beyond belief and i’d read wiessbluth and …).
CIO simply did not work for us. I’ll spare you the details but it was awful. For over a month, it was awful.
Next time I won’t rush to let my baby CIO. Next time I will embrace the attachment. And I will ask for support (and not advice) when I am fatigued.
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It is amazing how the most challenging and difficult situations that we seem oppressed with provide us with the greatest opportunities to learn.
I dealt with this issue, too. I tried the cry it out thing, with my now almost 6 yr old son, it was a nightmare. He didn’t want to nap and he wanted to feed all night. My boy finally got it on his own at 10 months old, like a flip switched. He has been an ace sleeper ever since. Thank goodness, I couldn’t take it anymore!
This isn’t the original study that I was looking for regarding babies’ brains and crying it out, but it has the same type of info.
“Science tells us that when babies cry alone and unattended, they experience panic and anxiety. Their bodies and brains are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. Science has also found that when developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will degenerate.”
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
CJStewart-Thanks, yes I also read a lot about this on both sides. I am all in favor of supporting the hard wiring and why would we want to stress our babies out?
It is the hard wiring that dictates how we will approach life and takes quite a lot of work to redo when the wiring does not produce desirable results. Interestingly, the pro CIO camp says that babies who are left to cry tend to cry less on average. I wonder, why “crying less” is looked at in favor. Since crying is one form of their communication, I wonder if already those who cry less are learning not to express a desire…..the biased of the studies really struck me.
Dee - Thanks for your input. 10 months…? Oooh I can hardly wait! I’ve noticed with my kids that milestones are reached as well like flipping a switch. I think we have to trust this process and stand back rather than forming hard ideas about what our children can and cannot do.
Jarrod – Always!! I can hit rock bottom, usually because I am resisting the reality, and then suddenly I get clear about the situation and so much more. Good opportunity for growth, you are so right.
tara – Thank you for your comment- you heard what I was getting to in my muddled post! It’s good to hear that even those that do try CIO do not have “success” – that is not discussed in any of those books. It’s often suggested that it’s this amazing problem solver and I just don’t agree. Some kids have a temperament that will not go for it.
Sometimes I think sharing frustrations has to come with a “disclaimer” that I am not necessarily looking for advice, just some understanding. I think we can be frustrated, but still know we are headed towards our desired goal, instead of changing course.
I definitely feel for you– there is nothing harder than listening to your child cry when you know you can comfort them. But the reality is that you won’t always be there and eventually he will get too big for you to hold. If I were in your situation, I would try some things to at least get to set him down after he’s asleep. My kids would eventually let me set them down if I wrapped them up all tight so they felt they were being held– and then they would stay asleep. Good luck! Do what’s best for your child, but remember that you need some rest and some sanity to be a good mother!
He’s not going to have trouble sleeping in college. Do what feels best in your heart. One day you won’t have the chance to cuddle with him at night =) He’ll be with someone else…;)
Mine was with me to fall asleep till 2.5. Then we got him his big boy bed and I slowly moved farther away from his bed each night, reading a book, until there I was, in the hallway on a chair…..having a wonderful peaceful book reading moment (or 1/2 hour) to myself, and if he called – I said “I’m right here”. That’s all he needed.
I love instinct. It has a purpose. I wanted him with me and I wanted to comfort him. Maybe I could’ve got more sleep had I CIO but I will never forget or trade those 2.5 years of moments with him for anything. He belonged with me.
You are a great mom. All we have to do is want the best for our kids and that’s what they feel – and that’s what gives them happiness. You WAY want the best for yours. They’ll feel your love.
Monica,
Each mother has to do what they feel is best and the solutions we find as parents will not all be the same. I’ve always felt sleep is crucial for my family to be healthy and still have a 3 year old who barely sleeps at night regardless of what solution I use or try.
Personally, I used Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Baby. I had three copies (one for the bedroom, one for the child’s room and one for the living room) to read and help me with my son and he is now a great sleeper – other than snoring and needing some help with this via the sleep clinic. Sleep and how we sleep is so complicated and I believe each child and parent is wired differently.
Follow what feels right but remember sleeping for you is very important to be a healthy mommy, wife and person. The choice you make for Evan might be good for Evan but remember yourself too. I will call you this evening – the time zones make connecting hard.
Your pal, Sommer
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Monica,
One of the most interesting points I found was one you’ve mentioned a few times – why the hell are all the pareting books written by white men! This point really struck me!
I totally hear you and think it’s amazing that you get this second run to do things more ap and less by the book. I so wish I had listened more to my instincts as well – although I’m trying my best now – even she is already four. I have recently beeen reading the Continum Concept and it is a real interesting read. I would highly recommend it – if you can squeeze in the time!
So as you watch the clock tick by one more night know that this too shall pass and be a distant memory soon! You’re an awesome mom doing an awesome job! and my last thought is man – parenting is hard! We all feel it – some days just more so than others! Big hugs to you as you figure out what works for you and your family.
anita
Marisa – My game plan is to get him used to sleeping through a few hours, a bio rhythm thing, and then start setting him down. Before, when I would set him down is was tiring to be up and down 4 times in an hour. I think it’s best to hold, and let him sleep, his body will crave this sleep soon and I hope it’ll be easier by then. I usually warm the bed, but I’ll try wrapping a little more..thanks!
I wanted to reply as well to your comment: But the reality is that you won’t always be there and eventually he will get too big for you to hold.
I’ve hear this rational before, and I’m not sure what it means?!
When will I not be there? I plan on being here throughout. When he is too big I trust he’ll be sleeping on his own, through my efforts today. I try to make decisions based on where I am right now and what they need, rather than forecasting into the future were we really don’t know what will be.
Jennifer – Too right! The time goes quickly – no regrets for lost cuddle time
Thanks for your comment.
Sherri – Thank you – it’s good to hear what you did. When I think of Evan with us until 2.5 I think it’s a long time…but when I see Olivia, I know how fast time goes and that those days are behind us. I wish I would have had her closer to me in hindsight, so this is what I go on now, so I can look back and be thankful for the decisions I made. No nice to hear from you, I hope you are doing well
Sommer – We make contact, egads!! You are right about different wiring. Evans temperament would never take a soother, whereas Liv did, which I think helped with the sleep thing although now I curse the damn thing…
You are right that sleep is important to a mommy. But at the same time, I think these days communities are more separated than they used to be. In closer communities, a mother who is tired has support to get through. I never expected to sail through infancy with my sleep in tact, but I do wish I had more of a support network in place. Families and friends seem to be more spread out and busy these days plus I have a hard time asking for help
We gotta chat! Thanks for checking in.
Monica,
This senerio sounds like my life a year ago. I can still remember it all so well, and I feel for you. My daughter was 16 months when my son was born and it was hard. Like you, with my daughter I tried to do everything by the book. I got her in her crib by 3 months old, I let her cry it out while I cried in the other room. And when my son was born I was more educated, more comfortable and felt there must be a better way.
My husband and I co-slept with my son until he was almost a year-old. I swear he woke up every 1 1/2 hours that whole first year and I was exhausted. I tried letting him CIO a couple times when I felt desperate, but it did not work for him, he only woke up more angry 45 minutes later.
I will say now, almost a year later, I think he is more secure and confident because of the fact that he was in bed with us for his first year. He decided on his own at 11 months old that he was done breatfeeding (I was a bit bummed and tried to encourage him for several weeks but he was done). At about the same time he was pretty clear about wanting his own space at night and so he happily moved to his crib in his room that he shared with his sister. I really believe that for all the hard work that first year was for all of us that it has truly paid off and is reflected in his confidence now. At 20 months old he is more confident and independent than his 3-year old sister (and he sleeps better than her too)!
You can do it, and never forget that no matter what everyone tells you, listen to your heart-you know what is best for your babies! Different solutions for different families. Good luck in the coming months.
Warmly, Rene
Ahhh, sleeeeeeep. Everyone seems to need to give advice and tell their “success” stories if it’s brought up. I feel your pain. I fully believe in mothering without regrets, whatever that might mean to that particular mother. Hugs to you.
Hi Monica!
well said, we are going thru the same thing with our little Fox. We have yet to find resonance with any method that separates/isolates him from being close to us. He is a happy baby and so chill. The only time it gets hard is thru the night when its US that are not used to being up every 2 hours. Great to hear your story tho, keep it up and know you are not alone!
be well,
K
I have a 6 month old son, who luckily has always been a pretty good sleeper from Day 1. I tried CIO twice…. the first time he quieted down after about 10 minutes and went to sleep. The second time he cried for 45 minutes straight and by the end of that 45 minutes, I was in tears and he still wasn’t asleep or calmed down. I finally brought him into bed with me and he fell asleep almost instantly in my arms. I feel if I had just done that in the first place or rocked him when he first got so fussy, I could have saved him and me and dad from all the heartache. He slept in bed with us for the first 3 months before we put him in his crib and he transferred very well. Now he wakes up once or twice a night to nurse, but usually always falls back asleep while nursing. I feel like we were not that sleep deprived be/c he was in bed with us in the beginning… he hardly ever cried be/c I woke up to his noises and instinctively knew that he was hungry. Now when he wakes up in his crib, if he is crying it’s usually be/c his binky fell out and I can go in, put the binky back in, and he falls right back to sleep. If he wakes up “talking”, then I know he’s ready to eat, he’ll nurse, and then go back down. I haven’t read any sleep books and don’t plan to. I’ll just trust my instincts and roll with them!
Good luck to you and your little guy!
Amen sista! I hear ya and totally agree. I tried the cry it out with my first and I will never forget that horrible night. No way was I going to do that to him or another one of my babies again. My second I’m prepared for the sleeplessness and while I don’t like being sleep-deprived I know it will pass, and her trust in me will not be an issue.
Do whatever comes naturally, get help when you are overwhelmed and over, over tired-that’s important too. (Family, friends, etc.). I nursed my four children on demand, let them sleep with me, and held them all the time…..for the first year (some maybe more…) after that, they weaned to a cup, and a crib all by themselves….they still didn’t always sleep through the night….I usually just had to rub them or rock for a minute…but they were all FANTASTIC sleepers from about a year on!! Slept through anything and any noise!! ME?? I am still sleep deprived and my kids are 25, 23, 16 and 13 !!! But I wouldn’t have changed all that holding and snuggling and cuddling for anything!!
just found this website this morning, i’m looking for some options to help my son’s severe eczema, thanks for sharing your insights!
in terms of the sleep debate, agreed that each parent must do what comes naturally to her. i have been relatively lucky in that after the first 2.5 months asher started being able to sleep for longer stretches on his own in his crib. he actually sleeps better in his crib than he does with us, maybe because we started him in his crib early or maybe because i woke up all the time out of anxiety and disturbed him when he slept with me! we have let him CIO for at most 2o mins once or twice for naps when he was so overtired that he wouldn’t sleep in our arms either, and he felt much better after a good sleep. anyway, he is now 6 months and i still wake up and nurse him or hold him at least once during the night. my question is to other full time working moms and dads about how to deal with our own fatigue throughout the day. my husband and i don’t work in environments where closing our eyes for a few minutes is even feasible, and i hate relying on caffeine to get through the day. does anyone have other suggestions beyond maintaining a healthy diet and staying hydrated, which i already do?
I am glad I found this website. I have a six month old son who is breastfed and I hold him at night. I have been trying to put him in bassinet or crib but he usually wakes right up or wakes up shortly thereafter. I refuse to let him cry it out and am surprised at the number of people who try to convince me that this is the only way to fix my “problem”, even people who I respect and am close to! I agree, babies communicate through crying. They need something if they’re crying. Some babies aren’t ready as soon as others to sleep all alone. There are other cultures that view Americans as crazy for putting their babies in a room all alone and letting them cry. I too wish I could just vent and talk about being tired without being judged and told I need to let my baby cry it out or I’m ‘going to regret it’ when they’re still in bed with me a year from now. What I would regret more is having my precious baby lose trust in me and develop insecurity. If a baby has a need that isn’t met now, it won’t go away, it’ll re-surface later in other ways. They only stop crying and go to sleep b/c they give up on you ever helping them. How horrible. I could never do that to my baby. I’d rather be tired. I’d rather go through hard times now and have a happy, secure child who trusts me.
Just read your blog and wanted to share. We, too have had issues with sleep. My daughter has rarely slept thru the night and she is 5 1/2. My son is 26 months and does better, sleeping thru most nights. So needless to say, I have scoured the bookstore, websites, other parents and pediatricians looking for the solution to my “problem”. A sleepy mom= a grumpy mom, and when not at my best, more of my “issues” arise. Anyway, I want to share two books that I have found immensely helpful. Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution was helpful in getting my son to sleep, and with my daughter, for whom the not being able to sleep thru became a power struggle EVERY night, Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm helped me specifically in the realm of sleep, but even generally overall. My daughter slept thru like maybe 4 times a year before this; since beginning to read this book and implement she has slept thru 5 of 7 nights in the past week. That is amazing, my friend. Crying it out never worked for us, everyone was miserable. Perhaps you will find some helpful advice here. Sleep well, dear lady!