Dealing With a Disappointing Ultrasound

No mother ever wants to hear that there is something odd with her routine 18 week ultrasound. Expectant mothers may sometimes worry or wonder if everything is OK, but I think no one expects to be the person receiving the unsettling news.

I received this unsettling news about a month ago and I now feel blessed to have gone through this experience. Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes, we have an update on our baby.

It is confirmed that one of the kidneys is sitting permanently in the pelvis. The other kidney is sitting in the normal spot in the lower back and it is functioning fine. The pelvic kidney is called an “ectopic kidney” and until my big tests at BC Women’s Hospital, I had never heard of such a thing. I’ve been told an ectopic kidney is statistically about 1 in 1000 which is more common that I thought.

At this point, all tests indicate that it should be an isolated cosmic “woops” that is not related to genetic factors in the family. It seems that there is no indication of Downs or any other chromosomal or additional organ abnormalities. It is also too soon in the pregnancy to be sure of anything, so I will be going back in at 35 weeks for another bout of testing which will be more conclusive. There is still a lot of development to take place. Until we reach 35 weeks, we are watching to see that my measurements stay on track, as any decrease in measurements could indicate a malfunctioning kidney which will affect the amniotic fluid and add complications prior to birth.

We want to make sure that baby’s kidney stays healthy. If it does stay healthy, baby will simply have a normally functioning kidney in a funky spot. I expect we would have to watch out for abdominal trauma in the future as the kidney is not protected by any bones. I imagine we will need to be especially cautious around certain sports. If this is the final diagnosis, I’ll take it because that’s pretty good!

We also have to see how the kidney drains and if baby is prone to infections. Another test once baby is 1 week old will determine the shape and function of the kidney.

So there we have it! Our results thus far are promising, and at the same time, there is still some uncertainty.

Here’s what I have learned about this experience so far:

It Is What It Is

When I was told about the problem, I cried and was deeply worried for about a week. I basically cried the week leading up to the next phase of tests. I cried because of the shock that my dream and expectation of having a “perfect” baby was not going to be a reality. I cried simply because I needed to cry. Although I thought many times in the first week  to be thankful for our news because it seemed minor in comparison, I allowed myself to cry FIRST, without all the rational reasoning to “make it better.”

Crying first, without judging or reasoning allowed me to move very quickly into acceptance. We saw no reason to ask “why me” or deny the reality in any way. It is what it is and we will be fine.

Go With What You Know

This is one of the first times I have stayed away from massive research to investigate every corner around a topic that concerns me. I did not see any value this time in going beyond what I was told by our team of professionals at BC Women’s. We felt that it was best to stick with what we had been told, and to not chase a rabbit trail of “what if’s”. This has helped me a lot. Rather, my mind stays busy with home life instead of worrying about all the possible scenarios that could happen. If and when we receive other news, we will move forward from that point.

Redefining The Concept of Perfection (yet again!)

I was thankful to have an email from friend and reader Sherri, who emailed to say that our baby was already perfect regardless of what they find in the results. I knew this in my heart, but was important to remind myself not to try to live up to any ideals or concepts I had about what makes a “perfect” baby.

My doctor said to be “life is such an amazing thing, just thinking about all the things that have to go RIGHT to make a perfect baby, it’s such a wonder!”

Gratitude

My day at BC Womens was so incredibly rewarding. The reputation of this hospital leaves no doubt that there is enough expertise to handle nearly any situation. I felt comforted by the number of diverse professionals that were tending to us.

I was also fortunate enough to speak with a young mother who months earlier, gave birth suddenly at 25 weeks. After nearly 3 months in the ward, she and her beautiful baby girl finally went home. She told me about her time in the ward during the 3 months. How she was severely depressed in the beginning and asking “why me”. Over time, she saw many mothers and baby’s come and go with both happy and devastating results. She began to accept the gift of her little 1 pound baby girl and began to fight along with her. She never asked “why me” again.

My appreciation and respect for parents who endure heart wrenching sickness in their children had deepened immensely.

A Deeper Appreciation For The Mystery of Life

One of the first things I asked myself and the doctor was “Did I do anything to cause this?” What was I doing at 6-8 weeks? Even though I was reassured, I couldn’t help but wonder.

I follow my thoughts closely and we use the power of intention in our lives every day.  I observe the power of attraction working in our lives, so when I asked if I had done anything to “cause” this, I was not only referring to physical causes but my emotional and mental states as well.

This has been a spiritual experience and I am more at peace because of it. I have realized that the best practice is to understand the power of attraction in our lives as it exists along side the deep chaotic mystery of life.

I don’t wonder why or how – it is the great Mystery and what matters now is how we play it out.

Tagged as: Pregnancy