Finding Happiness In The Age Of Depression

I reached a crossroads this week with how much of my personal story I wanted to share on this blog. I decided that it is important to share this post, in the hopes that it would inspire or bring hope to even one person. Thanks to Jonathan at Illuminated Mind for the courageous story he posted this week. He inspired me a great deal.

I grabbed the Globe and Mail this week and they are doing a series on mental illness. The statistics are that 1 in 5 will be affected with some form of mental illness in their lifetime. It’s staggering that on average, every single household willl require treatment at some point in their lives, and yet discussing mental illness is still so taboo?

It is obvious that the state of health in our society, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, is in crisis. We all have the potential for a peaceful and happy life and yet, I draw the conclusion that true health is indeed hard for most to attain. Optimum health takes discipline and even though mental wellness may seem a challenge, I know that most do not have to live with depression and anxiety, much less, be on pharmaceutical drugs for the rest of their lives, 

Have We Totally Lost Sight Of Our Own Healing Ability?

I recently watched this short video that outlines the issues that they feel need to be addressed by every person or the families of persons seeking mental health care in this country. If we are to tackle this major problem of mental illness in our country, this video suggests that there are a a few obstacles that are affecting our ability to overcome these illnesses.

The main points of the video, as presented by a successful former drug rep:

1. The pharmaceutical industry is NOT in the business of health and healing, but rather disease and symptom management. If we have a true desire to be healthy, then prescription drugs are not the way to health.  Prescription drugs do not cure disease. Otherwise big pharma would be out of business.
2. There are more effective ways to deal with disorders and syndromes than with pharmaceutical drugs. Symptoms only become a “disease” once they can be tested and documented, ie MRI, cat scan, blood & urine tests. Everything else is categorized as disorders and syndromes. This is huge to understand the way drugs are used and endorsed recklessly. Restless leg syndrome?? There’s a pill for that and it’s good business.
3. Anti-depressants are only truly effective for people with severe depression, however the majority of persons on anti-depressants (44 million) have mild to moderate depression. Anti-depressants tested against placebo’s (sugar pills) are barely more advantageous and in many cases the placebo was more effective than the antidepressant in clinical trials.
4. Exercise has been proven to be more effective against depression than both a placebo and an anti-depressant.
   
5. Anti-depressants are almost impossible to get off of and the reported side effects have been minimized, but do pose real risks to our health.

So you may wonder, why do I care what the pharmaceutical industry does?

One of the things I have discovered, is that I am passionate about inspiring people to reconnect with their ability to completely transform their lives. To have courage in the face of illness and to never give up reaching for the answers that we need to heal.

Everyone can be independently healthy. Independently healthy means sometimes means having the courage to challenge the current methods we are offered and truly assess if they will, over the long term provide the solution we are seeking. It means taking responsibility for finding the root cause, not only managing symptoms.

My History With Depression & Anxiety:

The Family Predisposition

Depression, anxiety and mental illness exists on both sides of my family. My birth mother has multiple forms of mental illness that left her unable to be a mother and so she left when I was 3 years old. I have not had a relationship with her since, aside from one occasion where I witnessed the aftermath of another suicide attempt. On my fathers side we call it the “Celtic gloom”. Call it by any name, it is still depression and anxiety as I see it. I personally remember feeling depressed for the first time when I was about 7 years old. Growing up over the years,  I constantly felt the weight of a burden that I could not describe, nor could I release. It felt as though I had inherited a black cloud over me that was not mine to own and seemed utterly impossible to shake. I thought of suicide often as a teenager.

Making Matters Worse

I left home at 16. My need for independence consumed me and made it impossible for our family to coexist under the same roof. I worked full time, finished high school and then moved to the big city when I was 19 years old.

I was introduced to all night parties and the world of drugs almost immediately. I remember saying to my friends on our first night getting high, that it was the first time in my life I had felt “this happy”. In hindsight, if there were to be a silver lining to my drug use it is that I became aware that there were emotional states that I had not yet experienced. The search for happiness through drugs later became a search for happiness in myself, without the drugs.

Over time my physical health began to decline, I began taking antibiotics regularly for infections which spiraled into creating other health issues. I ate little, worked and partied full time. Not a very healthy life. All the while, I continued to search for happiness outside myself and ignore the black cloud of depression that followed me everywhere.

The Night That Changed Everything

I had always heard about the stories of people having a bad experience, or getting a bad batch of drugs, but at the time I can say I honestly didn’t care, or at least I didn’t think it would happen to me.

We stayed home and got high again. Just another night. Soon after, one of the girls began to act strangely and her actions frightened me instantly. Within minutes, my mind began to loose it’s grip with reality (what little reality there could be in an intoxicated state) Within minutes, my euphoria turned into a nightmare.

That evening I went to the hospital to be treated for panic and a rapid heart rate.  By the time I had reached the hospital, my mind had spiraled to the point of hearing voices in the walls and the thoughts of others, or so I thought. My entire life became a conspiracy that was so convincing that I was not able to keep even a shred of reality in tact.

I was admitted and given an injection to reduce my heart rate that was dangerously high. I was then left in a room alone to allow the injection to take hold and the drugs to slowly wear off. I remember attempting to rip a necklace off a nurse and I threw water in the face of another. What a nice house guest they had that night!

I was able to convince the staff at the hospital that I had come down and I was finally allowed to leave at about 4 am. I probably required a few injections in hindsight, because I was still completely delusional and intoxicated. I managed to find a friends place to hide out where my state of delusion and panic lasted for 3 more days, and when I finally came down I was faced with the reality that my entire life had completely shattered in one night. The fine line between sanity and insanity no longer existed, my mind had fractured.

In the weeks that followed, I was constantly in a paranoid state. I heard voices, saw “secret” messages everywhere and manipulated every word spoken to me to validate my belief of conspiracy and control. Soon after, I gave into the voices and attempted suicide. I was finally admitted in to a group home for a recovery program and officially diagnosed with “drug induced psychosis”.

The Next 10 Years

This period of psychosis actually lasted  for another 3 years. During this time, my “episodes” that would last days at a time, and then I would come back to reality, crash and need to sleep and hide away for days. Although I had drastically reduced my drug use, I was still associating with the same crowd and the environment constantly triggered my episodes. I could no longer listen to loud music or even socialize without triggering an episode. I attempted to live a “normal” life and even became a scuba diver! It was the grace of god that kept me alive under the water during full blown and delusional panic attacks.

Over time the episodes of psychosis decreased and they were replaced with an anxiety/panic attack disorder and of course, the depression that I was already predisposed to returned ten fold. Looking back, that one night of drugs combined with a predisposition to depression, took about 10 years to recover from.

I have always questioned everything. Aside from a 6 month period, I did not take any anti-depressants or anti-psychotics throughout the entire time. I don’t really have a reason except to say that I didn’t like the idea of being under the control of a substance endorsed by the companies I viewed as legalized drug pushers. That’s just the way I looked at it. I guess I was an activist at heart and questioned the motives of the “establishment”.

My decision not to take prescribed drugs forced me to find new ways to heal myself. (Not to imply that drugs heal because I have never met a person who has recovered due to taking anti-depressants, although they may make coping easier for a short duration) I worked towards understanding the many faces of depression and anxiety and over time I learned to bring awareness into my life so that I could observe these states without getting too attached to them. I made an amazing discovery with nutrition, and learned that even slight changes in certain nutrients can have a powerful effect on depression and anxiety. I read every self help book I could get my hands on, practiced yoga and meditation and even took up a yoga teacher training program. I met my husband 6 years after the night everything changed, and his patience, unconditional love and unique perspective and has showed me a new way to see the world and myself.

I now consider depression to be mostly a matter of the soul in our culture. I have always thought of myself as a seeker of Truth and so I had a hard time coming to terms with the destruction I had caused myself and others. Who was this person that made these decisions? Gradually I learned to accept and forgive my past and that I had the power to create a new future. I recognized that that I had a tendency to blame and manipulate in order to validate my poor self image.  I slowly learned to take responsibility and for my thoughts, words and actions. I accepted that I needed to reverse my tendency to be a victim and to find new ways to empower myself. I learned to forgive myself and others, to accept, to imagine, to love myself and others and to believe in the “impossible”. Observing resistance in my life has provided much clarity. Also, returning to the present moment as often as possible has been life altering.

I then found my way to the success & personal development field. This is when I discovered the importance of shifting from introspection about my life’s story towards taking continuous small steps of action. I have found that action through awareness and intention has had the most inspiring results. I realized that I was not separate from everybody, but rather apart of a world community and the importance of giving back and of finding my gifts in order to help or to serve others. I discovered that I had created and inherited a “faulty” road map, and that I needed to create a new set of beliefs for myself. I learned that personal success and happiness are not as mysterious as I had believed, and that there were certain principles that we can all learn and apply to create the life we desire. This was a new language of possibility and hope for me. I finally left behind a belief system of personal lack and limits to one of infinite possibilities and being an intentional participant in my own life.

Considering my predisposition to depression and anxiety, my personal history with drugs, family baggage and a total mental collapse that took years to overcome, wouldn’t it seem that I would be the least likely to overcome mental illness?

So many times I wanted to give up, retreat from life and accept that my illness was due to a chemical imbalance. A glimmer of hope helped me to realize that accepting depression as a chemical issue left me powerless to overcome  my illness, let alone take control and believe and hope for something more. I did not know yet that we can alter our chemicals through right thought and beliefs. I doubted many times that I would be able to experience any kind of happiness in my life. Few people know the extent of the damage I did to my body and mind and the daily terror I lived with for years.

Looking Ahead – Freedom From Depression & Anxiety!

I would have never imagined 10 years ago that I would be writing about this experience from the other side. I love life, I am excited and look forward to the discovering the blessings that each day brings. I am happily married, a mom and so grateful to see life and people in a whole new way. I am thankful to have been exposed to all the amazing teachers that mentored me along the way.

I wanted to tell you my story because I hope it will help you or someone you know:

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that each of us possess the power to our own healing. Life is a journey and healing is multi-disciplined but there is light and a road map for all who choose to believe in their own happiness. I know what is possible because of the darkness I left behind. Have faith and courage to get the answers and believe in yourself. Every person who wants to have clarity and happiness in their life can have it. It’s a bumpy road recovering from depression and anxiety, but don’t ever give up.

Accept and love yourself. Love yourself, because you are a gift and the world is waiting for you to share yourself! Bring love, faith, hope, gratitude, courage, action and perseverance into your life and watch it be transformed.

Read More: Learn more about the specific ways I lifted my own symptoms:

Natural Cures For Depression – The Body

More Natural Cures For Depression – The Mind

Tagged as: Anxiety, Depression, Natural Remedies