I’m in the midst of long days and nights with a toddler and 9 month old. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My hands are rarely free until I go to bed each night and I’m not sure if I’ve had three or four full hours of sleep in, gosh, months but if one more person recommends “Cry it out” as a solution to my problems I’m going to be the one screaming.

You see, I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made this time around. I wished I would have held a Olivia a little more closely and not put her in a crib at 2 months, so this time I am holding Evan a little more closely and sharing sleep together. I wished I wouldn’t have been so “by the book” with Liv, so this time I am not following the “baby professionals” guidelines for everything from sleep to food to vaccinations. Nursing, Babywearing and co sleeping seem a natural fit. Really, the only way I could have imagined parenting two children so close in age while keeping my sanity in check.

But there are challenges.

My son does not want anything to do with a crib, even in the daytime. My daughter has gotten used to seeing Evan with me all the time, but I wish I had more alone time with her while he naps. I do not get to rest “at bedtime” because I hold Evan while he sleeps until I go to bed. It’s been this way since day one. No soother, no bed, and no one but Mommie.

I know that this will pass. I remember Olivia waking up to nurse all the time. Then suddenly around 14 months she slept 12 hours and has ever since. So I know Evans sleep is coming. Right?

But should I hasten this time by leaving Evan to cry now?

It seems that “cry it out” is mostly used as a last resort for parents who  are out of suggestions, solutions and sleep. I know, I tried it once when Liv was about 10 months. Thankfully my hell outside her door was cut short after about 15 minutes. Then I cursed myself for not listening to my instincts in the first place.

I remember how many times I felt the pressure that Liv should be doing (insert development) by a certain point. I remember my blood boiling each time I was asked if my six week old was sleeping through the night yet, when in fact I was up six times a night. Then there were all the mothers I met at the park who said they had a great sleeper.

Really? Did I get singled out with the only baby who nursed every two hours, day and night?

Exhausted and tired by 10 months and pressured that she should be sleeping through the night I grabbed the infamous Weissbluth book. (why men, who have no maternal instincts are writing books to help mothers get babies to sleep is beyond me – can we please rely on instinct a little more and not those insulting studies?)

But I was suckered in. Lured by the stories from desperate parents who now had happily sleeping kids. And I so wanted to sleep…and sleep.

I always hear “Well, cry it out works. After 45 minutes, our baby stopped crying. Now junior sleeps like a champ”

I wonder, can we just allow babies to learn about life more slowly? Couldn’t we give them the same time we afford ourselves when we undertake a new skill?

What’s the rush to create an independent (as if this is a good thing) baby?

Independent baby? It doesn’t sound right to me.

To my knowledge, a baby does not learn that they are “separate” – the I AM aspect of consciousness, until around a year or so. If this is natures design, and perhaps for a protective measure, I wonder about the “cost” of rushing a baby through this phase. A premature awakening in a time when they a biologically geared to be close with mother.

So my point about cry it out advice is this:

When a mother expresses how she is feeling; that her son does not sleep (unless in the company of her) and that she is exhausted and frustrated and even miserable, she doesn’t necessarily need people to suggest she let her baby cry it out.

I’m pretty sure I’ve made my decision already.

Am I doing something wrong with rocking and holding and cuddling?

I wish baby sleep were as simple as CIO. And the fact that this is simple for some, well, frustrates me. I sit in my rocking chair feeling resentful that those closest to me cannot offer any other understanding than telling me to let my son cry. I fume that I have allowed myself to have an expectation of my son that, when not met, leaves me feeling frustrated with the whole situation.

Can I be supported and tired, without the need for this advice?

I watched my friend do this with their child after I regrettably gave her that stupid Weissbluth book. I’ve learned that cry it out is not a “one time” solution…it is repeated leaving through all the milestones when sleep is disrupted. OUCH!

“He’ll just cry for a few minutes” or “We don’t go in the room between 8 and 8.”

It’s so black and white…

Is there no wiggle room for just a simple need to be held, even if one “should be sleeping?”

I guess I don’t trust that I will meet my baby’s needs with a rules like this in place.

It’s peculiar to me that all of us have the instinct that a crying baby alone in a room does not seem right, yet we are convinced by well meaning relatives, friends and books (written mostly by men) that advise us to let our babies cry.

Anyhow, I threw that damn sleep book into recycling the other day. Good riddance.

People need attachment – and forgive me for a moment, I don’t keep up to date on the “attachment parenting” stance on this, I just figure it’s common sense.

People need attachment-it’s a good thing! I’m not sure we ever stop seeking this. When we don’t get attached as an infant that people can be trusted, that we are valued and that our needs are heard and acknowledged, not matter how inconvenient, we turn to things – objects- to fulfill this gap.

A baby will attach no matter what….if it is not to me, it will be a cuddly, blankie,  soother, whatever. The first object. I think I’d rather it be me.

I guess I have just observed some insecurity creep in with the little ones I’ve observed who are let to cry and I wonder if all the crying is really worth it.

I mean, do we really know that cry it out is OK and has little effect on our children?

Can we look at our society as a whole? Not MY KID or YOUR KID, but OUR KIDS and say that our children are OK?

Are WE OK? Do we have any issues with acceptance, trust…love, following our heart…giving and receiving love?

Perhaps we could look at cry it out along with all the other ways we culturally separate from our young. The early return to work, daycare, formula, c-sections, separation at birth, early weaning, sleeping alone. All this added together….Are our children fine? I’m reserving  my judgment on this.

I’d like to see us stepping outside “Me” and “I” into the “WE” realm more often.

So, MY SON DOES NOT SLEEP on his own for any length of time.

Is it OK for me to express my fatigue and frustration without suggesting that I leave him cry?

Is it OK to just be tired right now?

Each day I carry him through his naps and hold him at night with the TV softly on until we go to bed. I’m getting through the days by reminding myself that everything has it’s time. He has his own rhythm that must be respected. My job is to do what I can to always reaffirm his trust in me.

As one friend of mine who opposes forced crying stated “I always want my girls to know that I am there for them. Whatever they need, as babies or as little girls, I am there.”

Dear friends who can’t imagine why I refuse to take their advice and let Evan cry it out:

Instead isolating me even more by your lack of understanding and unhelpful advice, could I be encouraged for what I am doing instead?

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Cry It Out Advice Not Helpful

The majority of health professionals only screen for postpartum depression, which affects nearly 20% of new mothers, but what about other mood disorders that new mothers experience? This article will briefly relay my experience and then highlight some of the other faces of postpartum mood disorders that are less commonly discussed but affect many new mothers. I encourage mothers and fathers to share this information with others so that any mother struggling in silence might find some reassurance from the guide shared below.

Given my history of depression and anxiety we were prepared for the increased chance of postpartum depression. Even though we were prepared, I was sure I would be able to manage it and even possibly avoid the whole ordeal given that I now have many skills to manage the symptoms.

Despite my optimism I conceded early on that I did not feel right, however “postpartum depression” was not the right description of my experience. It was a different feeling. My extended family was also reluctant to label me as having postpartum depression, saying that what I was experiencing was normal. “New motherhood is an emotional ride” they would tell me. I smiled at them. Hardly reassured and feeling even more alone.

But I knew there was something going on. I was experiencing repetitive, irrational and often violent images of harm coming to me or my precious new baby. The images were relentless and I was beginning to be traumatized by these uncensored thoughts and images. Guilt and shame soon followed. How could I imagine these things during this amazing time of joy? I also seemed to get mentally stuck, like a hiccup, repeating the same thought over and over. My eyes would get glued to a spot on the wall, in the corners, or along a crooked line of a picture frame, retracing the line over and over again, imagining it straight but never getting up to fix it.

I rationalized at the time that the terrifying images were my deepest fears coming to surface of not being good enough to be a mother. I wondered if I would fail this great life challenge? I coped the best I could. I practiced awareness. I tried not to react and over analyze. I reminded myself that the thoughts are not who I am.

Postpartum Depression is Only One Symptom

Thankfully, a few months in to this there was light at the end of the tunnel. Of all the brochures and parenting articles that crossed my path in the first few months of motherhood, nothing was as helpful as postpartum mood disorders guide that accompanied a courageous article in Mothering magazine about a woman who experienced victory over postpartum psychosis. (I received a Mothering subscription as a gift and it has been my favorite parenting mag ever since.)

The guide was the first time I had seen a breakdown of the different states of postpartum and it instantly clarified that what I was experiencing was Postpartum Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder (PPOCD).

There are various postpartum mood disorders: Click here for the full postpartum mood disorders guide:

• Baby Blues – 80% of new mothers
• Postpartum Depression – 20% of new mothers
• Postpartum Onset Anxiety/Panic Disorder – 10% of new mothers
• Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – 3-5% of new mothers
• Post-traumatic Stress Disorder – 1-3% of new mothers
• Postpartum Psychosis – 0.1-0.2% of new mothers

We hear most often about postpartum depression or the extreme story of psychosis, so many mothers who have varying degrees of symptoms (as described in the guide) that don’t fit the commonly publicized descriptions may feel alone and reluctant to share their experience with others. It was helpful to read the guide, identify the symptoms and then decide where to go from there. Most of all, the guide help me see that other mothers were experiencing similar symptoms. I was not alone. Thankfully, my symptoms faded after a few more months with some loving self care and patience.

A Final Thought About Postpartum Depression

One of the biggest gifts I received while I was pregnant with Liv was from a friend who volunteered that she had postpartum depression. She was convinced that so many of her colleagues also experienced it but found it difficult to discuss. Although I did not know it at the time, she opened the door for me to share my experience later on with other new mothers. By sharing briefly my experience other new moms the door is opened so that if they wish, they can relax, discuss or simply know that they are not alone either.

Mothers experience postpartum mood disorders in a broad variety of ways and early intervention is the best way to help. There is good help available so if you feel bad in any way, so please seek advice or treatment until you get the help you need.

PSI Postpartum Depression Helpline: 800.944.4PPD (4773)

Hey, come visit the me and leave a comment! I'd love to hear from you. If you enjoyed this article, thank you for giving it a boost on social media. © All rights reserved. This post is from HealthyGreenMoms and cannot be republished without express written permission.

Postpartum Depression and The Many Faces of New Motherhood