Although I knew nothing about it at the time, I saw an article on gentle parenting and it instantly resonated with me. Since then, my goal has always been to nurture Olivia’s spirit with loving gentle guidance. I would like to say I have handled these last few month with grace but I cannot. Many times I have not been the parent I aim to be.
When moments of parenting two young children require more from me than I have resources for, I have not made the best decisions I could have. I have surrendered my parenting goals too often with impatience, harshness, unreasonable expectations and being withdrawn or cold. (Sigh..)
Olivia’s beautiful strong spirit has challenged me more than anything I have ever experienced. Guiding her has taken me to heights of euphoria and satisfaction to such depths of despair on the days when I feel totally unqualified for the task of caring for this soul.
My daughter is a sharp girl. A communicator, observant, intuitive, lively and strong spirited. I realize I have misunderstood her level of maturity, as well as often disciplining from a place of insecurity.
For example, it has not been necessary to explain everything we do. Especially when I say “no” there does not need to be an explanation why I am saying no. My explanations (“why”) have come in part out of my intention to respect her. I want to “foster her confidence, understanding and give her a voice in our home.
However, over explaining in a “no” situation comes from insecurity – about saying no and not being confident in my expectations, especially when she protests. Explaining is also irrelevant chatter from the place of a child and serves no benefit.
I am now reshaping many of the ways we communicate with our children. This is in order to hold their age more delicately, as in the Waldorf philosophy .
If we try to explain too much to children, to reason with them about what we want them to do or not do, we prematurely awaken their capacities of reason and intellect and pull them too early out of the dreamier world of childhood. Beyond the Rainbow Bridge
So, along came the blissful week I wrote Seeing.This was the week we stopped talking.
“Not talking” was inspired by a recent parenting workshop at our Waldorf School on Creative Discipline. I was reminded about some very simple ways to guide our children without the power struggles, excessive discussion, negotiation, explaining, bribing, force, threats, time outs etc..
Basically, the idea behind “not talking” is to lovingly guide your child into the next activity/task at hand through gesture or song. This means that I do not “call out or tell her” what I would like her to do next.
an example of too much talking would be:
“OK Olivia, it’s time to put your pajama’s on!”
“Liv, come and put your pajama’s on”
“Liv honey, come see mommy please, I have your pajamas ready”
“Do you want mommy to get you, or are you going to come yourself?”
(GOSH! Isn’t this irrelevant chatter for a toddler…!!!)
An example of not talking and guiding through “gesture” would be:
“Liv, you may put your baby to bed now ”
I let her have closure, and then gently but firmly say
“Come now, come with me” as I put my arms gently around her shoulder and guide her to her pajama’s.
We do this at dinner time as well.
Instead of calling out, we go to her and say
“Come, lets eat together” with an arm around her all the way to the table.
This method has been quite successful for us. She almost always moves to the next activity with ease. She seems to appreciate fewer words because she can navigate what is expected of her more clearly. Also, my firm gentle tone has lot’s of love in it. And still, she knows I am firm in what I am asking. I am more confident as well.
Gestures takes a little getting used to because at first it felt like we should be saying more, also, just over riding the habit of talking. Ever notice how often parents have to comment on every little thing their child does? Not talking has made me so aware of this chatter - a kind of a “hyper” parenting mode that is well intended but pulls children out of their dream space that is essential to proper emotional and mental development.
There is no need to fill the space with words. I think our kids appreciate this. It feels calm, secure and I can relax inside of it. Most importantly, using gestures allows Liv to BE…in her space, her world, without loading her with pointless parent chatter.
These are my thoughts on living a healthy and simple life. I'm a modern mom with some traditional ideas. At home, I try to clear the confusion from all the conflicting health and parenting advice with some common sense and a natural philosophy. This is the sanest way I know how to navigate the 21 century.
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Love, love, love this post! Very good information to think about. My oldest son does much better if we explain things to him, he’s very concerned with the why and how of things. I think my youngest would definitely benefit from the approach you discussed. We’ll have to try it over the next few weeks. Thanks so much!
Wow, okay we have to talk. Please call me again or email me with your phone number – I cannot find it. this post comes at the best time ever for me.
It seems as though I’m over explaining everything and shouting to the kids to do this or that and I’m getting frustrated and they’re just tuning me out. It is a no win right now but then I read your post – timely. Thank you.
As an educator I sometimes forget that I have to just be a mom.
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@Amy – Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed this. Our days are so much different now, I really do love this approach. I highly recommend the book I quoted, it has some gems in it
Thanks for stopping by 
@ Sommer – Oh hello! Good the see you, I hope you are all feeling better? I’m glad this was timely, I was also getting quite frustrated when this workshop came along so I wanted to share a bit of it with others. Another example is when Liv is totally not willing to clean up her toys I gently place a toy in her hand while I sing the clean up song – I guide her hand to the box gently singing and not reacting to her tantrum. She calms down and cleans within a minute or two. It’s important to me that she does not get out of cleaning by making a stink! I’ll call you
Yes, please call or email me your number. Great example.
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I’m a father to a one-year old boy. Frankly, I don’t know how I will deal with him when his understanding develops. But upon reading this post, you have given me a valuable approach to proper parenting. Thanks a lot.
This was how we handled my son, who is now 5, we still do this mostly with him but he has gotten to the point where he wants to know the Why of the things we tell him. (WHY do I HAVE to brush my teeth mom??? UGH..) With my 22mth old I think she was born wondering WHY? LOL She will NOT do something unless she knows why, like getting dressed, she hates wearing clothes and wanted to know WHY she had to so I took her outside NAKED, it was about 25 out and she yells MOMMY I am COLD! So I asked her if she would like to get dressed and she said YES! I have found if I SHOW her why she has to do something she is more likely to go along with it